The uninhibited version of me.

Seeing as how this will be my very first piece of publishable (or gosh, maybe non-publishable?) writing as a 25 year old, I thought I would do it differently.  

Unplugged, unrestricted, unedited, uninhibited.  My life undone, unanalyzed, unjudged.  And now I'm making up words as I go.

To be 25 is like to be finally fitting comfortably into my own age. When I was 17, I felt like I was 20 with 12 year old restrictions.   When I was 21, I felt much older.   Now I'm 25 and while I've made jokes about being in a "quarter life crisis", I'm really not.  I'm more just, undoubtedly feeling the most comfortable, alive, and at home in myself than I ever have. It's like I've finally arrived where I've wanted to be for years and now I'm in the journey I've always wanted to be in.

I wouldn't say I had lost myself along the way. In fact, I was always soul-searching yet I always knew who I was at the same time.  The difference now is, I am unrestricted and uninhibited.  Within myself.  I'm not allowing circumstances, situational experiences, or events change me.  Everything in life shapes who we are and how we react to things, but I'm not letting any of these superficial outside influences change me.  That's the difference.  Instead I'm choosing to always be who I've always been, to always act, do, and say what I always know I want to act, do, and say. From the deepest parts of me, my soul and heart, I am letting it out without any fear of repercussion or consequences.  I'm not going crazy, but I'm not hiding behind myself anymore. 

To me (and this is what I've truly realized this last year), the consequence of not living, or living for what you don't believe in, or living for something else other than your own heart's desires, is so much scarier than choosing to live, breathe, and feel through all of it, even if that could be painful. 

I have always been looking for ways to not disappear, and this is it.

Of course I'm afraid of hurt and pain and loss and abandonment. What human being isn't? Of course I don't want those things. But I'm not letting the fear of them dictate my choice of feeling something. 

I've said goodbye to indifference and apathy, I've said goodbye to that inhibition. I couldn't describe that feeling adequately enough with what the English language offers for vocabulary if I tried. Instead, I show it in my actions. My freedom in living, my overflowing heart, my complex soul. My life. 

In everything I do, I do it for feeling, love, and meaning. Holding fast and staying true to that means I don't disappear. I never want to disappear again and me, unrestricted, unjudged, and uninhibited gets to give this to other souls who have felt disappeared. 

This is me. The uninhibited version of me. And world... I hope you're ready for me.