Being the perfectionist, planner, and action-taker that I am, I find it a new experience to just sit, be, and not let the unknown future cloud my happiness or peace. My logical brain sees it as an easy feat, but my emotional brain wants to fight it because of the anxiety that comes when I'm not taking action. It doesn't realize that no action is action. The less I fight it, the more I'm able to be calm and enjoy each day for what it is.
Once the chaos of myself subsides, I bask in that unknown. The unknown holds a hope, a peace, and a future for me. As I've written a lot lately of indifference and mundanity, I am happy to be ridding myself of those things. While I thoroughly enjoy a time out, it does not equal apathy. As a result I can allow the fire to grow under my soul so that the depth has a place to go. It no longer flickers to smoke, it's blazing strong and giving me a new breath to my life and beat to my heart.
I knew from the very first moment I felt this spark of fire that there would be something I would gain from it and something I could give greatly, I just didn't know to what extent. It is grander and larger and more beautiful than I thought it could ever be. In fact, I could see it would be beautiful to the point where I almost panicked that I would lose it. Experiencing a glimpse just to watch it disappear would've disappeared me even further, and I knew that wasn't something I could survive.
Yet here I am, with my original hopes and excitement coming to fruition as I maneuver these new roads and I couldn't be happier about the stumble.
It was the smile and the knowing eyes that pulled me away from disappearing into impassivity. And I understood immediately that this void was filling with a light I so desperately needed.
A soul to smile with is a soul to love.
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