For the one who's always there.

The healing power of a true friend.   It just boggles me.

How did I become so blessed and fortunate to have a friend in my life who, no matter what, I can always go to..... and who, know matter what, will always know exactly what I need?

I am so fortunate to have a friend like that.
A friend who is like family.
A friend who knows what's wrong before I even have to say it.
A friend who will assure me that everything will be okay.
A friend who will be stupid and dumb just to make me laugh.
A friend who will genuinely care and help out in whatever way I need.
A friend who won't let me justify, excuse, hide, or not face any single thing in my life.
A friend who will be brutally honest, even if it hurts.
A friend who will give me actual solutions and ways to fix the brokenness.
A friend who will bring up inside jokes just to bring a smile to my face as big as it was the first time.
A friend who will tell me to calm down when I'm freaking out. To calm down, and to breathe.
A friend who will stay up late on a week night talking with me just to make sure I'm okay.

Is there really anything else sweeter than that?

Anxiety levels down.  Sleepy levels up.  Comfort warmly accepted.

And I've turned that frown upside down, just like I was asked.

Thank you.  I can always count on you.

For the real.

This is another one of those times where words fail me. All I've done in the past 15 minutes is sit here and attempt a beginning to my thoughts. Probably at least 5 times. Before I can even finish a sentence, I delete it and start over again. It's times like these where I realize I've been so moved that words won't even do.

It is very rare when a person can leave such a mark on your soul. Hold such special places in your heart. And move you like not many people do.  Right off the bat after meeting them, even.

I get to be so fortunate to know a few. And to more recently have found another.

For the first time in a while I didn't feel alone in a crowd. Because of these very people. I didn't feel like I was forced to internalize the deeper, more complex things about me. Because of these very people, I felt like I can be real. And it's because they are real.

On my drive home today I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with gratefulness.  Not just for feeling welcomed in a crowd of people. But for the depth that they offered me this past week in return. For the real.

Tears streamed down my face and I knew that it was exactly a mixture between how moved I've been with these friendships and of the knowledge that I am having to say goodbye for a while with this new work schedule I have.

When people mean so much to me like this, even without knowing quite exactly why or how... it makes me wonder if I have done a good enough job showing them exactly what they've done for me.  If I've done a good enough job showing them how much they mean to me.  How much I love them.  It's in those moments where I just want to pick up the phone and spill the beans. Even if it brings a good cry.

The best part is that I know each and every one wouldn't take it as anything but real.

I am such a fortunate woman to have people like this in my life. Changing me every day and reminding me who I am, why I'm here, and that I'm loved.

This one's for the real.

On 10 years of a missing childhood.

I still have yet to understand the complex intertwining depths of life and love and friendship. How one person can have so much soul. How one moment can bring such a significant impact on one heart.

To be flooded by a rush of memory and an explosion of heartbeat is something only the people involved could understand. Rarely does a person know what it's like to be close to someone outside of family who you have known your entire, entire life. And what it means to be back at that very place where it all started. The adventure, the laughter, and the tears.

In 2003 I thought my childhood was over.  Really, the life I knew truly was. Being forced into a new world, new place, new relationships. It shaped me into the person and writer I am today, but never once have I stopped looking back and wondering what would've happened to the end of my childhood if life hadn't taken me to such a different path than I had planned for myself.


But yet here I am, back to 31st Street with the same friends I grew up with and all I can do is shake my head and smile.

The truest of true.

There are just those people. Those certain special people that affect you in such a way that you KNOW, no matter what you do or say, you will never be able to convey to them exactly what they mean to you. 

For me, the Lemons and the Arhnolds are those people. 

They have a part of my heart that nobody will ever be able to have. They have touched a part of my soul that nobody will ever be able to touch. It's because they know me. They love me. And there is not a single memory I have from growing up that doesn't have them in it. 

They were and still are, in every way, my family from another family. Our neighborhood is my home. 

I was blessed with the truest of childhoods. And now as an adult, I am blessed with the truest of friends. 

❤

There's a place that they call heaven.

I am in love with the mountains.

With the raging waters and the big, strong, tall mountains.

There really was no other way to explain it. The beauty I saw in just about everything was enough to leave me feeling speechless for the entire day. Yet somehow all I could do was talk, laugh, and sing loud to the music and throw my head out the truck window in the wind. There is no better way to go adventuring in the countryside than the time spent that day on highway 20. There is no better way than that to live life.

I felt like I was in a painting that came to life, only with more color and more meaning and more truth. Every corner we took gave us newer and even more beautiful views, if that was even possible. Even an old wooden fence on a logging road spoke beauty to my soul. It's like I was in a story, or a dream, or something.

Waterfalls depicted the raging passion my heart has for love and for life. The mountains made me feel so small yet so strong in who I am. The hills almost moved through the wind and the sun as they whispered secrets to me. The occasional wildlife reminded me that I was on planet earth and not on some distant place where nothing bad existed in the world. That's how I felt though. Like I had escaped to some paradise that only I knew about.

Heaven. At least a slice of it.

A family unit of sorts.

Chandler was right.  Years ago when he told me that he believes we all suffer from the grass is always greener on the other side syndrome.  That's not quite how I'm feeling right now, but its certainly the best I know how to describe it.

It's not that I wish I didn't move back to Ferndale. I have never felt more alive, more free, more me, than I do now after moving here. It is my heart's home. In ways I'll never be able to explain. And I'm happy.

Today was just one of those days where I really stopped and starting missing the people back in Pierce county who aren't with me here.

Mostly Dad.

Dad is by far the most influential man in my life. I can't begin to put it into words without posting the letter I wrote to him on the day I graduated college. He is in every way my super hero and my strength. I look up to him and I admire him and I'm so close to him.  Moving back to whatcom county was harder than I thought in respect to how much I miss my dad and how much I don't get to see him now.  He's not far.. but it's not the same when we live in different cities.

I am also completely heartsick for my boy, Buster. His quirky personality and annoying mischievous ways. Love him. And my brother Nick.. He moves down to Puyallup and then I move up to Ferndale. How does that even happen?! I'm just so happy that he and I can remain so close regardless of our location. He is amazing.

To delve even deeper... I am eally missing the rugby team. When the season starts up again in September, I'll be able to get involved again. It's a huge part of my heart and my life now and when it's not there it's like there's a void. I'm missing PW and his ridiculous jokes, profanity, and mannerisms. That punk, I swear. I could come up with countless reasons why I'm thankful for his friendship. He's been there for me through the good the bad and the ugly. And he's rejoiced with me in my successes. That never faltered even after I moved. Seriously love that guy!

But... change is good. Especially this change. There is a peace, a serenity, and a joy I have in my life now. A contentment that only came to my soul when I stopped searching and returned back to the place where I truly am home. Ferndale. The country. Away from the city and away from the places I don't belong.

I'm on cloud nine when I think about it. That I'm back here where my journey originally began. Here I am, building stronger relationships with my family. Spending time with people who stuck by me through all walks of life... Colby.. Friends for years now all living in the same county. For YEARS of me being gone, some years of me being absolutely ridiculous... or as Colby likes to say.. with my "head up my ass"... this wonderful person never let me go, never let me forget who I am, and never stopped being there for me and loving me for who I am. When everyone else walked out, he walked in and never left. And I am ecstatic to be able to see him and his family now anytime I want! I am feeling quite selfish for their time and I'm loving it.

So while I do miss my Dad, my brother, my dog, and friends like Paul... I am happy where I am. And at the end of the day.. now living with Colby, Kim, and Daniel.. I truly can say that there is no time for loneliness in this house. We are quite the family unit if I do say so myself.

It's a bittersweet evening... mostly sweet with some blessings.  And I am more than okay with that.

HGM

Such a calming Norah Jones evening.

In its busyness, today came with a whole new wave of emotion that was quite unexpected. Every day since the engagement was called off, I have been sitting here wondering when, or if, the grief would hit me. When it would sink in, what happened. I legitimately believed and thought that maybe it never would.

I have had so much going on. And ever since I've been freed from what was holding me back, I have been tackling the world. I've been thirsty for it. Starving for it. Starving to be alive, to feel, to breathe, to live, and to love. I have done all those things and my life is truly enriched.

All of that came to a halt five minutes ago, when I walked into my room at the new place. I stood in the doorway, with my Norah Jones playing in the background, smiling at this new beautiful life I have, and suddenly I paused. I looked at the picture of Sebastian's memorial garden, sitting at the edge of my bed waiting to be hung on my wall. I looked at my clothes strewn across the floor. I looked at my box of books, filled with stories I can't wait to experience. I stood there, truly at peace and at home with who I am and my new situation.

Yet deep in the pit of my stomach I finally felt it. The realization that something big had happened to me, and that maybe I have been unable to fathom or comprehend it for some reason. I don't know what changed that today.

It's a good realization. It's just a weird feeling. But I think with some more Norah Jones and a good hug, I will feel much better.

My majestic destination for awhile

I didn't realize how much my soul needed this until I got here. Right now I am sitting in a reclining lawn chair, in the sun, with a view of a flowing river and tall mountain peaks right in front of me, with nothing but three amazing girlfriends, a sweetheart toddler, and the peaceful sound of the river water to keep me company. Heaven.

Ever since this big change in my life, I have been grabbing life by the reigns and jumping right in it to just live. I have been having such a blast rediscovering myself and traveling and rekindling old friendships and making new ones. I made it through my last clinical rotation, to Kentucky and back with the team, through the last two weeks of school to tie up loose ends, and through my graduation ceremony and many celebrations. The beauty of this getaway is that now I have a moment to sit here and reflect more on my life and my heart and everything in it. For the first time in a long time, I truly am at home with what I see inside myself. And that is a beautiful thing.

As I sit here I am finding an enormous amount of peace and serenity in my own heart. It is a very magical location as well as a very magical state of mind to be in. I am truly inspired.

The sound of this water and the image of its passion and personality as it continues along the banks of rocks and brush is truly humbling my mind to quiet itself. I can literally hear the beauty. This river with the gentle occasional whisper of a cool breeze makes me close my eyes to everything around me so I can savor every fiber of what it means to me. So I can hold on to its wonder for just a few moments longer.

The river is only the beginning of this paradise I'm in right now. I look straight up and there are mountains above the river with three individual peaks powdered with white snow. It is so immovable next to this ever flowing river, it brings me such a comfort as if I am protected by some imaginary stronghold. So steady, so unmoving, so bold. It is even bringing out the strength I hold in myself.

This whole weekend is pure bliss. I haven't written poetry in over 3 years either, just as I hadn't blogged. And today I wrote my first bit of poetry I've written in a long, long time. This turn of events in my life is breathing new air into my lungs and this graduate weekend getaway is the perfect place to start writing about it.

Cheers to this freeing and peaceful slice of perfection.

With serenity,
HGM

A long time coming doesn't even come close.

I realize as I sit here at the Jewel Box cafe, 7 days away from graduation, on this sunny day drinking a strawberry smoothie... that I am finally alive for the first time in 3 years.

Do I need to repeat that to myself until it sinks in?  I am finally alive for the first time in 3 years.

How do I even begin to comprehend that? Can it really be that the last time I've truly written was in August of 2010? Can it really be that my heart was missing from my body for 3 years? Can it really be that I was going through the motions of pretending to be happy, of letting go of the things I care about, and of potentially losing who I was? I am a writer. It's what I do, and yet somehow I let certain circumstances get the best of me and completely deprive me of my passion, my writing, my inspiration, my soul. Where have I been?  Even a few friends along the way asked me, Hannah, why haven't you written more fingerprints journeys?

The primary thing that drove me to write today was Arianne.  Carpooling to Seattle today, talking about life and who I used to be and who I am and who I want to be, she told me to do what I need to do and try to write something today. She knows I'm a writer. She knows I need this more than anything right now. She told me... Hannah, you are inspired right now.  Because the real you is back, and you need to write something.  I love her.

Once I realized that I was changing who I was to fit somebody else's ideals.. my whole life changed.  I realized who I was at the time, and that it was not somebody I liked.  These past two months of me setting things straight makes me feel like I'm breathing in a breath of fresh, beautiful air and that my lungs are finally expanding and my heart is finally feeling.

I am singing again.
I am loving again.
I am laughing again.
And as of today, I am writing again.

Feels great to be back.

What moves me to tears is that all of the people I lost in this experience, or thought I lost, came back to me and loved me more for it.  How can this be?  What did I ever do to deserve such amazing people in my life who welcome me with warm smiles and big arms after 3 years of absence? I have incredible people in my life.  It's like I never left.

No, I take that back... it's better than like I never left. Because I feel more loved than I ever have before and I feel closer to these people than I ever have before and I feel I have so much more love to give than I ever had to give before.

My heart is literally exploding.

To say that it has been a long time coming is quite the understatement. But the most important thing is that I am here. Dreaming. Living. Believing. Loving. And writing.

Bring it on, life.  I am ready for you!