In its busyness, today came with a whole new wave of emotion that was quite unexpected. Every day since the engagement was called off, I have been sitting here wondering when, or if, the grief would hit me. When it would sink in, what happened. I legitimately believed and thought that maybe it never would.
I have had so much going on. And ever since I've been freed from what was holding me back, I have been tackling the world. I've been thirsty for it. Starving for it. Starving to be alive, to feel, to breathe, to live, and to love. I have done all those things and my life is truly enriched.
All of that came to a halt five minutes ago, when I walked into my room at the new place. I stood in the doorway, with my Norah Jones playing in the background, smiling at this new beautiful life I have, and suddenly I paused. I looked at the picture of Sebastian's memorial garden, sitting at the edge of my bed waiting to be hung on my wall. I looked at my clothes strewn across the floor. I looked at my box of books, filled with stories I can't wait to experience. I stood there, truly at peace and at home with who I am and my new situation.
Yet deep in the pit of my stomach I finally felt it. The realization that something big had happened to me, and that maybe I have been unable to fathom or comprehend it for some reason. I don't know what changed that today.
It's a good realization. It's just a weird feeling. But I think with some more Norah Jones and a good hug, I will feel much better.
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