I have to find just where you are

today I took a look back at myself from last summer. went through old emails. revisited old memories. probably not a good idea, but if you know me, then you know by now that I will always reminisce, even when its bad for me.

I wish I had that fiery passion that I did then. I wish it never would've been taken from me. its still there in the areas of life where I'm safest... music, stage, paper. but its not there for someone else like it used to be. I know where it went. I can't get it back. time will tell, but gosh.. I'm impatient. don't think I have ever been this impatient before.

I don't miss the fighting. I don't miss the embarrassment, humiliation, and shame. I don't miss the judgment days and discrimination testimonies. I don't miss the lies and deceit. and I certainly don't miss being the one that was always looked at as the screw up.

but I do miss the stars. I miss the fields and the belief and the safety of a church and a relationship that always lifted me up. I miss papa murphy's, movie nights, my dog waking me up in the middle of the night, my siblings waking me up early in the morning, sleepovers at paije's.

I never would have guessed that I would be where I am at right now. still fighting for something that I thought I had let go long ago. still standing strong despite the humiliation I endured before I moved. still living and breathing for what I believe in.
standing, yet broken, is what I am. but a broken heart still beats. constricted lungs still inhale. bruised eyes still see. crushed hands still hold. a torn spirit still flies. and I know that somehow, someway, it will all be ok.

the air is so chilled here and I love it. I love finding my own sun when there's clouds. I love singing to anybody who will listen, loving anybody who will let me love, knowing anybody who crosses my path. Ah.. the guitar music rings through my ears and the stage calls my name. these things keep me alive, which I am eternally grateful for, especially when I take journeys back to the past. its like a guilty pleasure. I want so bad to look, and then I do and wish I hadn't. sometimes.

you know, I'm no genius. I'm no masterpiece of perfection. I just have a heart. and while its easier to just let things go or pretend I don't care, I know that no matter how hard I try, that will never happen. besides where's the adventure in that, really?

but I've got it all, I've got everything I could possibly ask for now. except the family I lost. except my cousin's laughter to cheer me up when I'm down. except the super glue I need to sew my heart back together. except the trust to that needs to be returned. but other than that, I got it all.

that last part will be my adventure. I hope I don't trip.

man, now that I think about it. sometimes I wish I never dreamt at night. often times it throws off my whole day. my dream last night was terrible. I woke up wishing there was another chance for me grab what I don't have anymore. its truly amazing how dreams sometimes can be so real. it wasn't bad enough for me to wake up in tears but it was definitely getting there.

it was real for me because I'm still going through it. no matter how good of a weekend I had, and good of a Sunday evening I had, I still came home thinking they were going to be here. thinking I could run into my brothers arms and tackle him to the ground and tell him I hate him just so he'll punch me in the arm over and over. thinking I could crawl into bed with my sister and read together. it was a big let down coming home to realize they weren't going to be there, even when I knew all along they were back home in ferndale already.

but you know... when things like this happen, just gotta live life. and people always say that everything works out, and even though thats hard to believe, it does. I know from experience. things work out and new problems come but in the end, everything's alright.


I'm not apologizing for my writing this time. Colby told me that my writing is for me. if someone else doesn't understand it... at least I do.

i left my heart in the fhs auditorium.

to say the least.

its true.
i did some serious growing up in that auditorium.
that stage had soaked up tears and caught me when i had fallen.
it brought out the best in me. it gave me friends.
and my laughter is stained on its walls.

and its not just with the auditorium.
its with the choir. the friends. the passing periods.
i miss it all.
the risers, and hageman's conducting.
the kodak moments i took in my mind that i will remember forever.
like running from Colby in the auditorium isles and being scared in the dark backstage.
fighting every person in the choir to sing next to my favorite singer.
barely pulling off a show and then laughing about it afterwards.
awkward moments in the cafeteria involving fallen cucumbers and a red face.
dancing in pajamas and band shirts.
watching all the choirs hold hands and sing for "small voice".
hello dolly, footloose, annie get your gun.
browne's government class.
giggling.
ferndale football.
DQ parties after performances and with Colby on a sunny day.
everything.

i miss you.


its such a new adventure for my heart to start growing in the air of phs.
i love it.
in every way.
and i'm being pushed in ways that i never have before.

but ferndale.

i will always love you and the good memories you gave me.
you have my heart forever.

on pretzels, piano, anger, and goodbyes.

my whirlwind weekend. what a ride. ever wish you could just filter through your memories and choose which ones are more prominent to your emotions and which ones you could just... erase?

i definitely had one of those weekends.
it was the hardest thing in the world [and i am not exaggerating] to walk into that house and be there when my cousin wasn't.
no beeping and bleeping of ninentedo games or computers.
no loud and roaring yells of welcome and happiness.
and worst of all.
no buzzing or dripping of the oxygen machines.
i used to find comfort in falling asleep listening to those. and this weekend without them was literally a nightmare. because not only did it show that it wasn't needed anymore. but it showed that my cousin was gone. and it just hit me. all this time i've thought he was just somewhere else, driving his scooter around messing with people. but he was not home.
and the worst part of it all was walking into the church, almost by myself, standing in the isle. straight ahead of me down the isle was his motorized wheelchair. with an oxygen tank in the back. and his hat, which gave him the oxygen, resting on the top. it was empty. and i couldn't stop the tears.

halfway through my blog and i'm already crying.

the nice part about this weekend was that i was finally able to say goodbye to him. i played angel eyes for him near the end of the service, and i cried more tears than i have in the past 2 weeks, which is really saying alot considering i've cried more tears in the last 2 weeks than i have in my whole life. i was definitely emotionally drained saturday night.

its like a whole part of me has gone missing and i'm never going to get it back. at this point i just have to learn to live and function with a hole in my heart. i'm a total stranger to myself, because this boy brought more love and joy to my life than anyone or anything. being around him just... it would penetrate you. he would be looking right through you. it was like a reality check. he'd look at me and smile and ask me to play and suddenly everything bad i've done in my life was brought to the surface. i couldn't hide it from him. he changed me and made me want to do better. be a better person. he did make me a better person.

it was hard being in that house, where he once walked and danced and sang and lived. where he died. i never sat at the table, because that was the last place he was. it was where he was sitting and eating when he died. i couldn't even look at it. just like i couldn't go in his room.

i deal with my pain certain ways. and not getting too close to a memory so vivid is my way of dealing with it. once i'm there, i can't get out, and i'll cry myself to sleep no matter what time of the day it is. i had to be strong that weekend for my other family. so i never got too close.

weird things would happen to me. i'd expect his chair to click and to start walking towards us. i expected him to start boxing with me like we always did. i'd expect him to ask me to start making letters out of pretzels, which was always our thing. i'd expect him to play mario kart with me. i'd expect to hear his voice, feel his laugh, and taste his happiness. but whenever i didn't, i would literally break into a million pieces. i would remember the hole in my heart and clutch my chest not knowing what to do to ease the pain. sometimes i couldn't even cry because the pain was so excruciating.

other things happened that day of the service but i can't explain them, because alot of them are personal to the people it happened to, and i'm sure they wouldn't want it all over some girl's blog on blogspot. but lets just say i was up until 2 am that day stressing and being angry over big things that should never have happened on the day we bury the person in the family who had it all together.

it's almost symbolic.
the day we say goodbye to my cousin, the family falls apart. he really was the unifier of the family. but it worked out eventually. all of it just still makes me so furious.

i never knew i could get that angry. but then i thought to myself... i would do anything for my family. especially the ones who are suffering. and when something happens to them or when they're put at risk, i will stop at no means to protect them. i cried i was so angry. i couldn't believe that someone could be so heartless. it hurt me to see it. but what also made me upset was the fact that there was nothing i could do to change what happened or to make it better. luckily my aunt took actions. i totally admire her for always doing what's right and taking action and not just sitting around talking about it.
that's how i'd like to be looked at someday. i will never settle for less or just let things fly. i'll always stand up and fight.
no question about it.

overall. there are things i'd like to forget about the weekend. but i will always remember my cousin, and what it meant to me to play for him that day. he was with me. and it was the first piano performance i've ever had without making a single mistake or wishing i could go back and make it a little more powerful, or a little louder or slower or quieter. it was perfect. and i know it was because it was for him.
i didn't care about myself.
i didn't care about messing up.
i didn't care about the crowd of tear-streaked faces that were all watching me, expecting me to bring emotion to the room through seb and through music.
i didn't care about any of it.
i cared about my cousin.
sebastian c.e. ward.
and it was perfect for him.
i, for once, was able to be perfect for him.

i love you.

the tears still fall.

And I see them in everyone else's eyes too.

I sometimes wonder which things in life are tests. Or maybe they all are. I know that we're not just living here for nothing. I know we're not just "set loose" with no purpose or no reason. There is always purpose. There is always reason.

Believing in that usually gives me an extreme, overwhelming comfort, even among all the anxiety that seems to be suffocating me through and through.

I'm going to withdraw from my college class. Jay told me not to drop out and not to be like him and do what he did, but I don't look at it as dropping out. I almost have no choice. I look at my options, and see. It all points towards withdrawing.

My life is honestly just too much to handle right now...

guardian angel.

The sun is bright and warm but it doesn't shine for me anymore. The wind blows through my hair but brings me no ease, just tension and anxiety that I seem to get from everything else in my life.

My best motivation, my best sunshine, my best hug, is gone.

My baby, my buddy, my sweet child of innocence, is gone.

He taught me everything and expected nothing. He would laugh and not want anything in return. He would smile when the world threw its worst at him.

I followed in his footsteps.

Sebastian C.E. Ward.
is my guardian angel.

His death will never make his memories fade. Or the lessons he taught me.
They will always be here. In the sun, in the rain, in the tears, in the laughter, in the dreams and the hopes of every person out there showing the world who they are and embracing the diversity.

He embraced his diversity. He captured the hearts of people by being himself.
A lot of people would see what he was incapable of. But I only saw his significance. His life. His precious meaning. His heart.

I will never allow him to become belittled, forgotten, or judged.
Because he is the reason for who I am today.
And if it weren't for him, I would not know of the small, good things in life that make it worth living.

He is my guardian angel.

you could say it's about time.

Normally it doesn't take me this long to set up something that my heart desires so much. But this time, I have gotten side-tracked.
But no more.
Quite honestly... writing is my way to express to the world what I feel, think, love, know, desire, wonder, everything. Its my escape and my home. Frankly... its the only way I feel normal.

And that's really saying something.

So here I am. Me, my heart, and my keyboard. and hopefully you, someone who will read me with an open mind and a welcoming heart. Cause trust me honey, I've got plenty to say. Seems like the words will never leave me alone until I write them down. Sometimes even then they still haunt me in my sleep.

So here I go.

Here's to it all.