I have to find just where you are

today I took a look back at myself from last summer. went through old emails. revisited old memories. probably not a good idea, but if you know me, then you know by now that I will always reminisce, even when its bad for me.

I wish I had that fiery passion that I did then. I wish it never would've been taken from me. its still there in the areas of life where I'm safest... music, stage, paper. but its not there for someone else like it used to be. I know where it went. I can't get it back. time will tell, but gosh.. I'm impatient. don't think I have ever been this impatient before.

I don't miss the fighting. I don't miss the embarrassment, humiliation, and shame. I don't miss the judgment days and discrimination testimonies. I don't miss the lies and deceit. and I certainly don't miss being the one that was always looked at as the screw up.

but I do miss the stars. I miss the fields and the belief and the safety of a church and a relationship that always lifted me up. I miss papa murphy's, movie nights, my dog waking me up in the middle of the night, my siblings waking me up early in the morning, sleepovers at paije's.

I never would have guessed that I would be where I am at right now. still fighting for something that I thought I had let go long ago. still standing strong despite the humiliation I endured before I moved. still living and breathing for what I believe in.
standing, yet broken, is what I am. but a broken heart still beats. constricted lungs still inhale. bruised eyes still see. crushed hands still hold. a torn spirit still flies. and I know that somehow, someway, it will all be ok.

the air is so chilled here and I love it. I love finding my own sun when there's clouds. I love singing to anybody who will listen, loving anybody who will let me love, knowing anybody who crosses my path. Ah.. the guitar music rings through my ears and the stage calls my name. these things keep me alive, which I am eternally grateful for, especially when I take journeys back to the past. its like a guilty pleasure. I want so bad to look, and then I do and wish I hadn't. sometimes.

you know, I'm no genius. I'm no masterpiece of perfection. I just have a heart. and while its easier to just let things go or pretend I don't care, I know that no matter how hard I try, that will never happen. besides where's the adventure in that, really?

but I've got it all, I've got everything I could possibly ask for now. except the family I lost. except my cousin's laughter to cheer me up when I'm down. except the super glue I need to sew my heart back together. except the trust to that needs to be returned. but other than that, I got it all.

that last part will be my adventure. I hope I don't trip.

man, now that I think about it. sometimes I wish I never dreamt at night. often times it throws off my whole day. my dream last night was terrible. I woke up wishing there was another chance for me grab what I don't have anymore. its truly amazing how dreams sometimes can be so real. it wasn't bad enough for me to wake up in tears but it was definitely getting there.

it was real for me because I'm still going through it. no matter how good of a weekend I had, and good of a Sunday evening I had, I still came home thinking they were going to be here. thinking I could run into my brothers arms and tackle him to the ground and tell him I hate him just so he'll punch me in the arm over and over. thinking I could crawl into bed with my sister and read together. it was a big let down coming home to realize they weren't going to be there, even when I knew all along they were back home in ferndale already.

but you know... when things like this happen, just gotta live life. and people always say that everything works out, and even though thats hard to believe, it does. I know from experience. things work out and new problems come but in the end, everything's alright.


I'm not apologizing for my writing this time. Colby told me that my writing is for me. if someone else doesn't understand it... at least I do.