To Be Soldiers For Each Other

When you get worried, I'll be your soldier.

This song.  I have written about it before.  It used to always make me sad, as I yearned for another soul like mine who could be my soldier. My peers, who I would typically lean on, always seemed to miss the depth of this and how this concept of being someone's soldier runs so strongly in my blood.

Where did all the people go? They got scared when the lights went low.

When I've needed a soldier, I haven't gotten one.  I've had to be my own soldier. My own warrior.  When life is easy and fun, look at all these people in your life who are around.  Which of those people understand your own personal struggles?

Funny when times get hard, at the last moment when you're supposed to charge. Always on the longest yard, they feel their feet get cold.

Sometimes life gets unattractive, embarrassing, humiliating. Sometimes we have to go through things that we are ashamed of or uncomfortable with. Sometimes we hurt. Sometimes we are afraid. Sometimes we experience pain that makes us wonder if we can ever overcome it.  Our hearts break, our bodies disappoint us, our souls yearn for a kindred spirit who understands. We experience trauma, loss. Why do people run away from that?

Afraid of what they might lose.  Might get scraped or they might be bruised. You could beg them, but what's the use? That's why it's called the moment of truth.

Why does the moment of truth have to reveal, time and time again, that they don't understand and don't charge with you when times get hard. You shouldn't have to ask.  When I can see that someone I love needs someone to be a soldier for them, I do it. I don't make you wonder if I would be trustworthy and then make you beg me to help you. No. I'm already there, carrying you as much as you'll let me.

Hiding here, hiding there.  Find them underneath the stairs. People hiding everywhere, trying to be as still as a stone.

I know what it feels like to see the people around you hiding from your pain. Watch them not understand, and as a result feel so alone in a crowd. To feel so judged. I felt like everybody would hide from me when life got un-pretty and rough. They got cold feet. Afraid of what they might lose if they involve themselves in my pain. That was my moment of truth. Who would take my pain when I was hurt? When I run out of strength myself, where can I pull more strength from?  Who is my soldier?

I'll get it, if you need it. I'll search if you don't see it. You're thirsty? I'll be your rain. You get hurt, I'll take your pain.

I would rather feel that pain with you than miss out on being your soldier, and making you carry it alone. I would rather get scraped and bruised in the mess with you than leave you behind without a warrior to charge with you.  And you wouldn't have to beg me, either. In said moment of truth, I will be there with you and I will fight for you. I will choose to accept the truth and the reality of how much pain, suffering, and fear life can bring us, and I will embrace it and carry it with you.  I would do any of those things, because that is real.  I can't and won't ignore it and cover it up and put it in a pretty wrapped box with a bow on it and pretend the pain doesn't exist.

My aim is so true. I want to show you. I'll try forever, and I'm never going to say surrender.

This song used to make me sad, but it doesn't anymore.  Not when I trust that there is a soldier out there who understands me, accepts me, and will some day stand by me for anything.  And in any moment of difficulty and pain, I will get to be your soldier too.

Wherever you are and whenever you will be here, we will be strong for each other. And my aim, I promise you, is truer than true.