For the days I'm afraid I won't have.

This isn't something that I can just sit down and write about to get meaning across  But I'm doing it anyway or else I'll continue feeling like I can't breathe.  Alone in this house, I'm just sitting here in the dark at a loss.   I feel like all I can hear is a deafening silence in this room that makes me have to feel my cries so explicitly as the sharp daggers that they are.   I'm not afraid of crying.   But it's the truth behind the sobs that makes my heart ache so much.

Am I about to lose my best friend?  If I am about to lose this person who I have come to love and care for, I am completely and utterly powerless. All I have is this heart filled with all these things I want to say and can't because he's not here, and because what's more important is his own state of mind going into such a big thing.  In order to make it about him, it has to not be about me.

I'm sitting here trying to muscle through each moment, breath by breath, second by second, feeling completely heartbroken at even the slightest chance that I won't see him again. I'm crying and through my tears trying to get my heart onto paper with nothing short of mediocre words, and virtually leaning on my friend Jessica across the country for the love and warmth my heart so desperately needs, while I flounder in the fear of what could happen.

I've had a lot of loss in my life.  Unexpected goodbyes forced through circumstances that tore my heart out.  Loss of a good friend, a family member, a loved one.  I can't breathe at the thought of losing this one.

And while I sit here I realize I'm totally alone and the one person who would understand is him.

I yearn for the day this becomes a distant memory, the day I can just be in front of him and say everything I need to, the day I can stand here and know that he will be okay, and for the day that somehow, in a some way, I can be for him all that he's been for me.