A family unit of sorts.

Chandler was right.  Years ago when he told me that he believes we all suffer from the grass is always greener on the other side syndrome.  That's not quite how I'm feeling right now, but its certainly the best I know how to describe it.

It's not that I wish I didn't move back to Ferndale. I have never felt more alive, more free, more me, than I do now after moving here. It is my heart's home. In ways I'll never be able to explain. And I'm happy.

Today was just one of those days where I really stopped and starting missing the people back in Pierce county who aren't with me here.

Mostly Dad.

Dad is by far the most influential man in my life. I can't begin to put it into words without posting the letter I wrote to him on the day I graduated college. He is in every way my super hero and my strength. I look up to him and I admire him and I'm so close to him.  Moving back to whatcom county was harder than I thought in respect to how much I miss my dad and how much I don't get to see him now.  He's not far.. but it's not the same when we live in different cities.

I am also completely heartsick for my boy, Buster. His quirky personality and annoying mischievous ways. Love him. And my brother Nick.. He moves down to Puyallup and then I move up to Ferndale. How does that even happen?! I'm just so happy that he and I can remain so close regardless of our location. He is amazing.

To delve even deeper... I am eally missing the rugby team. When the season starts up again in September, I'll be able to get involved again. It's a huge part of my heart and my life now and when it's not there it's like there's a void. I'm missing PW and his ridiculous jokes, profanity, and mannerisms. That punk, I swear. I could come up with countless reasons why I'm thankful for his friendship. He's been there for me through the good the bad and the ugly. And he's rejoiced with me in my successes. That never faltered even after I moved. Seriously love that guy!

But... change is good. Especially this change. There is a peace, a serenity, and a joy I have in my life now. A contentment that only came to my soul when I stopped searching and returned back to the place where I truly am home. Ferndale. The country. Away from the city and away from the places I don't belong.

I'm on cloud nine when I think about it. That I'm back here where my journey originally began. Here I am, building stronger relationships with my family. Spending time with people who stuck by me through all walks of life... Colby.. Friends for years now all living in the same county. For YEARS of me being gone, some years of me being absolutely ridiculous... or as Colby likes to say.. with my "head up my ass"... this wonderful person never let me go, never let me forget who I am, and never stopped being there for me and loving me for who I am. When everyone else walked out, he walked in and never left. And I am ecstatic to be able to see him and his family now anytime I want! I am feeling quite selfish for their time and I'm loving it.

So while I do miss my Dad, my brother, my dog, and friends like Paul... I am happy where I am. And at the end of the day.. now living with Colby, Kim, and Daniel.. I truly can say that there is no time for loneliness in this house. We are quite the family unit if I do say so myself.

It's a bittersweet evening... mostly sweet with some blessings.  And I am more than okay with that.

HGM

Such a calming Norah Jones evening.

In its busyness, today came with a whole new wave of emotion that was quite unexpected. Every day since the engagement was called off, I have been sitting here wondering when, or if, the grief would hit me. When it would sink in, what happened. I legitimately believed and thought that maybe it never would.

I have had so much going on. And ever since I've been freed from what was holding me back, I have been tackling the world. I've been thirsty for it. Starving for it. Starving to be alive, to feel, to breathe, to live, and to love. I have done all those things and my life is truly enriched.

All of that came to a halt five minutes ago, when I walked into my room at the new place. I stood in the doorway, with my Norah Jones playing in the background, smiling at this new beautiful life I have, and suddenly I paused. I looked at the picture of Sebastian's memorial garden, sitting at the edge of my bed waiting to be hung on my wall. I looked at my clothes strewn across the floor. I looked at my box of books, filled with stories I can't wait to experience. I stood there, truly at peace and at home with who I am and my new situation.

Yet deep in the pit of my stomach I finally felt it. The realization that something big had happened to me, and that maybe I have been unable to fathom or comprehend it for some reason. I don't know what changed that today.

It's a good realization. It's just a weird feeling. But I think with some more Norah Jones and a good hug, I will feel much better.

My majestic destination for awhile

I didn't realize how much my soul needed this until I got here. Right now I am sitting in a reclining lawn chair, in the sun, with a view of a flowing river and tall mountain peaks right in front of me, with nothing but three amazing girlfriends, a sweetheart toddler, and the peaceful sound of the river water to keep me company. Heaven.

Ever since this big change in my life, I have been grabbing life by the reigns and jumping right in it to just live. I have been having such a blast rediscovering myself and traveling and rekindling old friendships and making new ones. I made it through my last clinical rotation, to Kentucky and back with the team, through the last two weeks of school to tie up loose ends, and through my graduation ceremony and many celebrations. The beauty of this getaway is that now I have a moment to sit here and reflect more on my life and my heart and everything in it. For the first time in a long time, I truly am at home with what I see inside myself. And that is a beautiful thing.

As I sit here I am finding an enormous amount of peace and serenity in my own heart. It is a very magical location as well as a very magical state of mind to be in. I am truly inspired.

The sound of this water and the image of its passion and personality as it continues along the banks of rocks and brush is truly humbling my mind to quiet itself. I can literally hear the beauty. This river with the gentle occasional whisper of a cool breeze makes me close my eyes to everything around me so I can savor every fiber of what it means to me. So I can hold on to its wonder for just a few moments longer.

The river is only the beginning of this paradise I'm in right now. I look straight up and there are mountains above the river with three individual peaks powdered with white snow. It is so immovable next to this ever flowing river, it brings me such a comfort as if I am protected by some imaginary stronghold. So steady, so unmoving, so bold. It is even bringing out the strength I hold in myself.

This whole weekend is pure bliss. I haven't written poetry in over 3 years either, just as I hadn't blogged. And today I wrote my first bit of poetry I've written in a long, long time. This turn of events in my life is breathing new air into my lungs and this graduate weekend getaway is the perfect place to start writing about it.

Cheers to this freeing and peaceful slice of perfection.

With serenity,
HGM