I refuse to walk away and do nothing.

I have sat here, and sat here, and sat here. I have had plenty of conversations with friends, people I look up to, people I don't like much. I have cried plenty of tears and slammed plenty of doors. I have closed and locked my heart but I have opened it back up again. Plenty of times.

I have driven a whole car ride without uttering a single word. Yet I have not been able to go a single day without speaking. I have woken up during sleepless nights and slept during peaceful afternoons. I have let go and held on. I have wondered and thought, and I have screamed and I have ran. I have trusted with my heart. I have distrusted with my heart. I have done anything and everything.

and yet somehow I have still not found peace of mind. Fylicia tells me that when you don't know what to do, you should nothing. and I agree to a certain point.

but who am I to do nothing with something that is enveloping all of me?

I can't, and won't, just sit here and do nothing. One thing you can learn from knowing me, if you learn anything at all, is that I am not one to sit back and watch things happen. Whether they are good things, bad things, whatever. I take action. You could say that is a fault of mine, but it has done me well when I know what I want, when I know I know what to do to get it, and when I go get it. I not only follow my heart but I lead my heart. I am the first one at your door step if seeing you is all I can think about.

but why is it, that sometimes the moment I get my momentum, I trip? why is that no matter how hard I try, there is always something there to disappoint me?

I have never cared what other people think. I have never cared if someone looks at me, and judges me. I have never cared if someone talks with me and just doesn't GET me. sometimes I don't even get me. but does that matter?

I used to say no, it doesn't.

but when something in my life means this much to me;
when all I can do is stress, and worry, and cry, and HOPE that my heart isn't wrong for the first time;
when I hold, love, desire, and care for something this strongly;
there is no way it couldn't matter.
Of course, with all this at stake, I'm going to care if I'm judged, if I'm understood or misunderstood. I'm going to care if someone else cares less than me. I'm going to naturally, inevitably, and strongly care whether or not I am loved just as I love. It won't change my viewpoint, my motivation, my reach. But I will care. That much is very clear.

But either way.. I know more than I ever have that there is no way I could ever let it go. What I care about. It means more to me than I can even fathom. More to me than the art of language could even begin to describe. More to me than my own happiness, evidently. Caring about what I care about is my happiness. Its my oxygen. My air. My breath. My reason. If I didn't care, there would be no point. Thats just my opinion, and I know not everyone is like that. But thats me. The most important thing about me. I care, and therefore, I'm whole. It makes me strong, makes me weak, makes me feel like I can climb buildings and fly from towers. It makes me who I am, makes my grasp hold tight and my heart love deep.

but right now. I feel like I'm walking through the mud. I'm attempting to kick away the vines that try to strangle my feet and the stones that try to break them. I'm disregarding the harsh, hurtful memories and I'm yearning and reaching for the things in my life that bring me comfort. But my legs are getting tired. My feet are getting bruised. My memories are overpowering my happiness and as much as I'd like to kick them to the streets, I'm stuck and I'm engulfing myself in them despite my lame attempts at forgetting them. Worst of all, my arms are battered and weak and hurt from being slapped away so many times.

By no means am I giving up. That is something I never do. but I am pleading for help, I will say that much. I'm searching for strength within myself I never thought I had. and while I know I will find it, while I know I AM finding it, it could never come quicker and for the first time I am admitting that I need it. I need to borrow someone else's legs for a day. I need someone else's arms to hold mine up when they're too tired to hold anymore.

There are things in my life that I can run to. To escape this. Poetry. Music. Stage. A good read. but escaping isn't an option when my life is in dire need of a pickup. A shake off. A charge. A renewal and a trust boost. I have to pick up my momentum again and keep running. I can't pretend that everything is alright. I can't dribble along in the life I thought I knew when so many things are changing before my very eyes. No time to even blink, or think, and my whole entire mind set; my thoughts, my motives.. they change. And change. Again and again. Plenty of times.

I am so extremely weary. So.. not lost, just.. stray. I'm not lost. I know my heart. I know my desires. I know my life. I'm certainly not lost. I'm just straying off the path I thought I knew so well. And either I have to do something about it, or embrace the change that just may be inevitable. As much as I hate goodbyes, I do embrace change well. In fact, I often thrive from it, grow with it, cherish it. I learn and I love it.

But there is one change in my life that I would never embrace if it came to it. I am doing my part, I am trying so damn hard that I'm exploding. With love, pain, laughter, tears. I won't say I have done all I can do, because my continuation of this desire for victory and this push of strength are the only reasons its still alive, and still moving, and still not on the verge of ending. My perseverance through trial and error is the only reason my heart is still beating. Aside from that, all I can do is hope and pray that whats on the other end of the struggle is fighting just as hard as I am. All I can do is hope that my energy and my love will be held just as tightly as I am holding, and that my hard work will prevail because I have given another life a nudge out of the door, strength to do better, courage to live up to full potential, and a shoulder to lean on in the meantime.

With all my strength and words left to muster. With all the courage I have left.

All I can do is hope.