This is the first time I've cried, for myself, in a long while. I'm tired of being strong. I try, I try so hard. I know we are entitled to days where we feel weak, defeated, beaten down, or even just downright overwhelmed with things in life. But day to day I make the choice to set aside those things and choose to feel peace and happiness while I exude joy and positivity instead.
But today, I just can't.
It started out that way, but ended with e feeling just completely exhausted of it. I got some things in the mail I've been waiting for that I should be excited about and motivated to feel good. I have gotten some health issues under control and am not longer on medications, just natural supplements, and I should feel good about taking them and happy and thankful to have them and all the other help I have with my health. That is a great step.
But instead I feel angry, bitter, and discouraged about my health and that I can't be like everyone else right now. I can't eat whatever I want, or do whatever I want. Sometimes, and definitely when my autoimmune issues flare up, my life revolves around what I can and cannot do because of my illness. Today is one of those days where I'm just sick of fighting against my body as it fights against me. Because I hurt all over. I can't talk about it to anyone because it just sounds, and probably comes across, like I'm weak, complaining, or making excuses for myself. When in reality I am in serious pain 24/7 and it's a daily, constant struggle. This isn't something I can just "push through" or "get over". Because don't you think if it was, I would've by now? If I can will power the hell out of this, I would and it would've happened a long time ago. It's so much more complex than that and the more I try to reach out and explain that, the more push back I've been getting. The more judgment. Scrutiny. Condescending comments. It's just exhausting.
Coming up next on my list of battles today is my resultant anxiety over this and other things in my life. I'm thankful that in this moment right now, the anxiety is not fully taking over. But with it comes sadness and grief as I come to the realization that it will never go away completely. It's all just up to me to react to it differently. In moments of fatigue and full panic, that can sometimes feel impossible. Today it's not, but instead I feel a frustration and grief that I have to deal with those moments in the first place along with my chronic illness. The emotions take over and I cry. It does feel better to cry, but it's painful to know this is my battle and mine alone, and while I do reach out and advocate frequently, I often feel secluded and alone with myself, knowing that only I truly understand how I feel.
These things I work through in life are only exacerbated by the smaller things. The smaller things that in my opinion shouldn't even be an issue or be here in any way. The smaller things, however unneccesary, are always made worse by the current pain and anxiety. It makes the smaller things bigger because I want so badly for things to, at the best of our ability, remain as it was this morning. Enthusiasm. Excitement. Joy. I know it's not realistic to have that all the time, but when it switches so fast to a more negative energy for absolutely no reason it is so extremely taxing on me. There are enough difficult things in life that happen, making things stressful and hard. But, this negative energy for no reason? Why? It's a waste of energy, a waste of opportunity for happiness and laughter, and a complete waste of time that could be spent in better ways.
Being in this weak point makes everything hurt and ache. Physically, and emotionally. Feels kinda like broken inside. While I know it will pass as it always does, I still hate it.
I am annoying. I am frustrating. I hold people back.
Those words cut so deep. Why? I think because I don't ever want to do things that evoke such irritation or frustration in somebody else. I am so empathetic and aware of the emotions of others that I do put their feelings and needs before my own in moments of distress or difficulty or in conflict.I have the best and most loving intentions in the world. I don't poke purposely. I don't annoy purposely. But yet somehow, when I'm being totally me and in my mind carefree and enjoying life, unfiltered, authentic, unafraid... I become perceived as something entirely different. And I'm always the last to know. I get snapped at, judged, and then inevitably become deflated and defeated.
We are all human. We all make mistakes. We all can seriously annoy each other. We are all imperfect and I am okay with that.
What I fail to understand is why I am never graced with patience. An open mind. Understanding. Rather than shut down by someone else's opinions of frustration. I will always take the feelings of other people in consideration and I take them seriously. I adjust and make efforts to swing it around to the positive side and change my behavior, but that just seems to make it worse.
On top of it all, I have a considerable amount of stress and concern for Noah, his mom and family and their wellbeing, and the affect it all has on my own health as well as how to navigate it all. I try to support but it goes either unnoticed and unappreciated, or is just one more thing to annoy.
So here I am in the kitchen. Waiting for my homemade applesauce to cool. About to open my packages that came in the mail. Try my vitamins and supplements. Savoring my keyboard and my ability to write. With a tear streaked face and puffy eyes and just a desire to crawl into a corner, curl up, and ignore everything to allow myself to shut down a moment and stop trying to be so strong. And most of all, to just be okay with that.
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