To stop being strong.

This is the first time I've cried, for myself, in a long while. I'm tired of being strong. I try, I try so hard. I know we are entitled to days where we feel weak, defeated, beaten down, or even just downright overwhelmed with things in life. But day to day I make the choice to set aside those things and choose to feel peace and happiness while I exude joy and positivity instead.

But today, I just can't.

It started out that way, but ended with e feeling just completely exhausted of it. I got some things in the mail I've been waiting for that I should be excited about and motivated to feel good. I have gotten some health issues under control and am not longer on medications, just natural supplements, and I should feel good about taking them and happy and thankful to have them and all the other help I have with my health. That is a great step.

But instead I feel angry, bitter, and discouraged about my health and that I can't be like everyone else right now. I can't eat whatever I want, or do whatever I want. Sometimes, and definitely when my autoimmune issues flare up, my life revolves around what I can and cannot do because of my illness. Today is one of those days where I'm just sick of fighting against my body as it fights against me. Because I hurt all over. I can't talk about it to anyone because it just sounds, and probably comes across, like I'm weak, complaining, or making excuses for myself. When in reality I am in serious pain 24/7 and it's a daily, constant struggle. This isn't something I can just "push through" or "get over". Because don't you think if it was, I would've by now? If I can will power the hell out of this, I would and it would've happened a long time ago. It's so much more complex than that and the more I try to reach out and explain that, the more push back I've been getting. The more judgment. Scrutiny. Condescending comments. It's just exhausting.

Coming up next on my list of battles today is my resultant anxiety over this and other things in my life. I'm thankful that in this moment right now, the anxiety is not fully taking over. But with it comes sadness and grief as I come to the realization that it will never go away completely. It's all just up to me to react to it differently.  In moments of fatigue and full panic, that can sometimes feel impossible. Today it's not, but instead I feel a frustration and grief that I have to deal with those moments in the first place along with my chronic illness. The emotions take over and I cry. It does feel better to cry, but it's painful to know this is my battle and mine alone, and while I do reach out and advocate frequently, I often feel secluded and alone with myself, knowing that only I truly understand how I feel.

These things I work through in life are only exacerbated by the smaller things. The smaller things that in my opinion shouldn't even be an issue or be here in any way. The smaller things, however unneccesary, are always made worse by the current pain and anxiety. It makes the smaller things bigger because I want so badly for things to, at the best of our ability, remain as it was this morning. Enthusiasm. Excitement. Joy. I know it's not realistic to have that all the time, but when it switches so fast to a more negative energy for absolutely no reason it is so extremely taxing on me. There are enough difficult things in life that happen, making things stressful and hard. But, this negative energy for no reason? Why? It's a waste of energy, a waste of opportunity for happiness and laughter, and a complete waste of time that could be spent in better ways.

Being in this weak point makes everything hurt and ache. Physically, and emotionally. Feels kinda like broken inside. While I know it will pass as it always does, I still hate it.

I am annoying. I am frustrating. I hold people back.

Those words cut so deep.  Why? I think because I don't ever want to do things that evoke such irritation or frustration in somebody else.  I am so empathetic and aware of the emotions of others that I do put their feelings and needs before my own in moments of distress or difficulty or in conflict.I have the best and most loving intentions in the world. I don't poke purposely. I don't annoy purposely. But yet somehow, when I'm being totally me and in my mind carefree and enjoying life, unfiltered, authentic, unafraid... I become perceived as something entirely different. And I'm always the last to know. I get snapped at, judged, and then inevitably become deflated and defeated.

We are all human. We all make mistakes. We all can seriously annoy each other. We are all imperfect and I am okay with that.

What I fail to understand is why I am never graced with patience. An open mind. Understanding. Rather than shut down by someone else's opinions of frustration. I will always take the feelings of other people in consideration and I take them seriously. I adjust and make efforts to swing it around to the positive side and change my behavior, but that just seems to make it worse.

On top of it all, I have a considerable amount of stress and concern for Noah, his mom and family and their wellbeing, and the affect it all has on my own health as well as how to navigate it all.  I try to support but it goes either unnoticed and unappreciated, or is just one more thing to annoy.

So here I am in the kitchen. Waiting for my homemade applesauce to cool. About to open my packages that came in the mail. Try my vitamins and supplements. Savoring my keyboard and my ability to write. With a tear streaked face and puffy eyes and just a desire to crawl into a corner, curl up, and ignore everything to allow myself to shut down a moment and stop trying to be so strong. And most of all, to just be okay with that.

A mutuality to long for

And this is when reality sets in.  That no life or love or situation can ever be as solid as you hope it to be.

I understood that to begin with, honestly. But when everything points that way for the good beginning portion of what's being built, just to have the solid faith be shaken so much so fast is crippling to that joy.

It changes my day-to-day peace.   My hope along the way is to not become resentful.

The main question that runs through my mind all too often now is, what did I ever do to be so unworthy of the truth, no matter how big or small?

I think I've done my part.  Communicated what's important to me and how I want to live, what my relationship and life policies are.  When it's honored by words and not action, I get so sad.  Because it's so unexpected and stings deep.

These values I hold dear to me are values I've always wanted to share mutually with someone.
Maybe someday..

For Drew

The world is a smaller, emptier, dimmer place without you Andrew Davis.

Not everybody who walks this earth makes such a significant and lasting mark on the souls they meet. But you surely and inescapably did.

Whether someone had briefly met you, had been friends with you like I had, or had been one of your closest friends or family members... we all know, you were something special, and unlike anyone.

These words are as much for me as they are for you and everyone else. You've affected all of us with the beauty of your life, and now with your passing there is a chasm in our hearts that will never again be filled. Because you filled that with your laughter, your good heart and solid ground of what it means to truly LIVE LIFE and be a great man.  

We miss you.

I'll never, ever forget the significant memories you've given me in our 10 years of friendship.

High school. You brought me out of my shell  freshman year when you made fun of how little I talk. Pointing at me with a skeptical look on your silly face.  "Hannah, you! You don't say much do you. " 

You shared your confidence and strong spirit with me. 

And then after high school, through the working years and many memories of summers filled with bonfires and guns and trucks and great music and beer. Memories of day drinking on Memorial Day. Lotsssss of chips and salsa at Chihuahua's. Endless roaring laughter on the couch, making fun of everything and nothing. Funny facebook chats that would make me roll over laughing. Late night pita pit after a night out at Bellingham bar and grill with a constant flow of sarcastic comments on how much you dislike downtown and love Ferndale. 

But, the best was when you finally gave in and told me I was one of the only girls to hang around you who could keep up with your witty sarcasm. We had a long line of sassy remarks and comebacks going back and forth and you never missed a beat. I remember one time I got the last word in. Believe it or not! "Hannah! Ouch! You're good!"

I think you're the reason my friends can't take me seriously sometimes.

I believe that's one of the greatest lessons you taught me. Don't take life too seriously. Especially don't take yourself too seriously. It's all about the love and the laughter. 

The last time I saw you, you nearly spilled your beer with your hands up high yelling my name and heading over for a big bear hug. You had a drink in each hand and gave me one of them so I wasn't empty handed. Only you could get me to drink that nasty Busch Light. ;)  

We all as a community and family feel like we are suffocating without your presence. Over time I know the pain will pass, but rest assured... the memories will never pass. Your profound meaning in our lives will last forever.  In the meantime heaven, you better know how truly blessed and lucky you are to have Drew. Because we all sure felt that way when he was here with us. And still now, with you being gone, I still feel blessed to have known you and called you a friend.

Say hello to Travis and Chelsea for us. 

We love you Andrew Davis. Your legacy of life is engrained in our hearts forever.  

To cry from happy.

There is this beauty that reveals itself when everything falls together how it always should have. When efforts are not given in vain. When desires line up with result and my world is perfectly aligned with the deepest desires of my heart.  It's a beauty I don't just see but also can feel.  And I feel it with such a strength, such a passion and a significance that I get tears. 

I guess this is what it feels like to cry from being so happy.

For so long I wandered and ran searching for what I have now. For the kind of peace, love, and joy that I experience on a daily basis. Almost feeling like I'm pushing against some invisible current or barrier that was stopping me. In fact I know what some of this barriers were and knowing I was able to crush them under my feet and become different and better is a feeling like no other. 

Now here I am. Amidst pain, struggle, and trials of life, I have this peace, love, and joy that surpasses all other difficulties. I'm writing, I'm learning, I'm loving, I'm playing music, I'm working, I'm growing, and I'm happy.

To me that is true happiness. What was missing is no longer missing. 

I could make a list of so many things that I have in this life that are no longer missing and that have been for so long. 

A home. A secure job. My joy of following dreams and goals I've always had in my heart. An inner peace and understanding and identity that is stronger than ever. A love that is going where it deserves to go, to someone who deserves every aspect of it because he is worthy of this love.

To say life is good wouldn't cut it, but... Life is so, so good.