That little girl.

I am that little girl.

The little girl who would have tea parties with little cups and teapots.

The girl who wanted to stay up late watching movies with mom and eating snacks.

The tall lanky girl who's always been bossy and passionate and a little bit awkward in her own skin.

The girl who would run to her father screaming "Daddy!" as he walked in the door home from work.

The girl who walks around with a book in one hand and an apple in the other. 

The girl who looks out for her younger siblings.

The girl who played music to breathe.

The girl who's in love with Orca whales.

I was that little girl at five years old, and I was that little girl at 12.

Now at 24, I'm having a hard time trying to see what is different. And I realize nothing is. I am that little girl, and I probably always will be.

Growing up, I realize it's not about growing up. It's about being who you are and who you've always been. It's about not changing from that child-like, free and fun nature - for the world can do you no wrong.

Even now as an adult, riddled with adult hardships, adult responsibilities, and adult hurts… I realize that the only way to fix them or overcome them is to be that little girl.

I think we as a group of adult humans have got it all wrong. It's not about growing up and letting go of that five-year-old girl and her passions and free spirit. It's about being her in a 24-year-old world.

I've got a little bit more wisdom, a little bit more broken pieces, and a little bit more story telling to do than I did at five.

But in the end I am me, no matter what age. The piano-playing, Orca-loving, free-spirited, book-reading, family-hugging, tea-drinking girl.

And boy do I love her.

It won't ever be like it was in 2005

Who would've known that pride is so hard to swallow?

I don't know how it happened, but someone I used to call a best friend has completely faded away from me. 

What used to be a full of life, baseball playin', guitar singin', joke makin', story tellin', campfiring, river jumping, adventuring soul on fire has turned into a video gaming, cynical, hard hearted (and of course, hard working), vessel of a body with a small, dimmed flame. 

I know it's there.  There, lost.

But hear you me, my friends....

On sleepless roads, the sleepless go. 

There's no meaning in clothes and coffee cups.

It's nights like tonight when I am reminded of the fact that I love people so much.... And of the reasons why I do. I am entirely positive that I would suffocate without them. I'm in love with people and their hearts and vulnerabilities and stories. It's my meaning. Without a doubt. 

I am feeling such a peace, which right now is a blanket of warmth for me to put over these past few bouts of unexplained anxiety. But then I was told to snap out of it and I did. 

This new year has brought so many emotions. I feel like a raw, real person again and even after almost a year, I am so refreshed and better off for it. 

Through the water, through the rain. 

To the soul of everything. 

Yes. Still rings true. Truer in my soul than it ever has before. 

The people to be thankful for are overwhelming to me. The connections and bonds I have within my relationships are absolutely my reason for being here and living this thing we call life. 

There's no meaning in anything else but in the love to have and show for others and to let them have for you. 

I'm in love with that.