on passion and silence.

I have been running circles in my mind, over and over. No, not circles. More like spirals. Feeling so many things, wondering so many things, loving so many things, but at the same time anxious.. how can you miss something you never even had?

I don't have a lot to say this time.. and I think its best that I let the silence speak for itself.

But what I can say.. is that something in my soul has caught fire. My life is in dissonance right now. In that beautiful part of a piece of music that I love so much - my favorite part. Different, beautiful, not quite harmonic, and waiting for the resolve at the end so your soul can rest.

That is where I am.

So joyful.. passionate.. wild and free..

And also moved. So moved, at the soul level, deep, in ways I have never been moved before. It leaves me yearning and wondering what could come of this meaning I have found.

I'm stuck in the in between. Between the life I have come to love and the life I may come to fall in love with.

I have been moved so much, my soul doesn't know what to do with it.


This dissonance and tension I feel, no matter how beautiful, is also agonizing in a way. I don't understand how my heart can feel two entirely different feelings at the same time about the same thing and still beat, wildly even and with a ferocious fire that seems to set everything in my life ablaze with things I love. I am one crazy, crazy soul. Confused yet clear-minded, hopeful yet unsure, so close yet miles away from eye contact, living with a joyful and aching heart, making me smile so big I can't contain it.

What in the world is going on with me? My breath escapes me and my words abandon me, as there is no way to explain this or touch the one thing causing it.

All I can do now is smile, sing, hold out my arms to the world.

So in my silence, I will do just that.

i saw the world spin beneath you and wanted to make it right.

I don't think I have been crushed like this in a while.

and whats weird is... nothing bad really happened. its that feeling like you want what you can't have. and the only reason I can't have it is because of what other people have done to us.

I wish I could just pour out my whole heart to him. but I can't. I have way more respect for his feelings than that. and I don't want to impose any obligations on him or make him feel that he has to fix me. cause he doesn't. honeslty, just a two second conversation with him makes me happy. if that doesnt say something than what does?

I can't stand sitting here remembering how easy it is to talk to him. how easy it is to just let my heart go. how easy it is to see myself with him. I can't stand sitting here remembering that, knowing that its something I can't have right now.

I don't expect for it to happen right now. in fact, its best that it doesn't. for both of us. neither one of us wants to get hurt. both of us have had our hearts ripped out. not pursuing anything is the right choice.

but what hurts me the most about this is that I feel like we can't talk, hang out, or anything else without a fear of commitment and so we end up pushing each other away. I feel that it brings us down. when we could be having the time of our lives. enjoying life. living it how we love it.

I can't shake how I feel when I'm with him.

I sound like a fool. and if he were to read this right now.. I honestly don't know what he would think.

what I want more than anything right now is to just be happy with him. romantic or not, friends or not, I just want to be able to have a night like that night and just forget about the world. smiling, laughing, and talking.

he's genuine. that doesn't come around every day. I want to be the one who can make him believe again.

I don't want this wall anymore. its blocking even our friendship.

I just want everything to be okay.

just like it was written for me.

they painted up your secrets
with the lies they told to you
and the least they ever gave you
was the most you ever knew


and i wonder where these dreams go
when the world gets in your way
what's the point in all this screaming
no one's listening anyway


your voice is small and fading
and you hide in here unknown
and your mother loves your father
'cause she's got nowhere to go.


and she wonders where these dreams go
'cause the world got in her way
what's the point in ever trying
nothing's changing anyway.


they press their lips against you
and you love the lies they say
and i tried so hard to reach you
but you're falling anyway


and you know i see right through you
'cause the world gets in your way
what's the point in all this screamin'
you're not listening anyway.


-goo goo dolls.