Love is all you need.

In the midst of the overwhelming pain, anguish, and depression we all feel on behalf of the amazing Marshall G. McBride this week, I have decided to pledge to be a better friend, a bigger support, and a louder encourager to every person, a support of every person's path I cross, and to every person I love.

I also think I need to list the people I love who I know love me. For whenever I may get low, sad, depressed, or feeling like I'm stuck in darkness and am unloved.  I can have these amazing peoples names written to never forget that I am loved deeply, and to always remember that I am not alone.

Dad, Mom, and Cirby.
Marissa, Nick, and Alex.
All 3 sets of grandparents, all cousins and extended family.
Chad Davis Renee Bowman
Caitlyn Clyne
Daniel Clyne
and Ollie
Mr. Barry
Miss Terry
The entire Condon/Clyne family
Colby Dyck Moulaison
Kim Dyck Moulaison
And their entire family
The Lemons, Wheelers, and Arnholds
Mary Wheeler and family
Jesikah Sundin and family
Jessica Jett and family
Alex "Mad Hatter" Silveira-Sheehan
Dustin Willets and choir
Victoria Lord
Zachary Hughes
Matthew Forbes
Kat Miller
Dylon Lane Madison
Heidi and Curt Palmer and family
April Wosser
Sarah Johnson Schwab
Rob Hahnel
Howie Welsh
Casey Benjamin Zangari
Mike Machado
Caleigh Mayer
Zach Saunders
Paden Moreno
Brittnee Leen
Jenny Honrud
and the rest of the Honrud family
Nancy Almassy
Paul Walston
Michael Lykins
The Lykins family
Elizabeth Pree
Jeffrey Moonbeam
Django Bohren
Katharine Kipp
Chris Ormerod
Sarah Kate Kunkel
Dorothy Childsweber
Joe Chavira
Rich Olson
The Pima crew
James Bauckman

This list is ever growing.  I am so blessed.

Small things.

I always talk about how I find happiness in the small things.  But lately I have learned exactly how small, and unrecognized, they really are sometimes. Especially to most people.  Throughout my journey on this earth I realize more and more that one of my sole purposes in life is to bask in these small little happinesses, and to share them with someone who loves them just as much as I do.

I find the significance in these insignificant moments.

Washing my face before bed.
Smelling fresh lavender buds or drinking them in my tea.
Closing my eyes to the wild waves of the ocean, hearing all the stories it tells and the secret beauty it holds.
When a dog kisses your nose.
Giving my toes something warm to sleep in.
The beats and lyrics from beautiful souls in my life who write their music like it was meant for me.
Comforting fleece blankets.
The sound of the harmonica.
Soft pretzels.
Connecting with a stranger.
Exploring a new area of your life.
Video games and stories that make your soul feel warm.
The way it feels to have the spaces between your fingers fit perfectly in the spaces between someone else's.
Sitting on a tall watch tower bench looking out into the horizon of the bay in the dark.
Painted nails.
Singing to your favorite songs and quoting your favorite movies.
Epsom salt baths.
Crossing adventures off the bucket list.
A rich, red, earthy glass of wine to sip on.
Fluffy pillows.
The smell of books, leather, whiskey, and rain.
Laughter.
Loving people.
Learning something new.
The comfort only an amazing anime can bring.
The sound of a familiar text tone that brings back memories of another time.


I love it all.  And the list keeps getting longer, deeper, and simpler, filling more and more with all the small things that make it worth living.

One day.

One day you will come across someone who will leave you completely in awe of them. Their kindness, their sincerity, their heart, and the beautiful soul that you will get to know will leave you speechless. One day, I believe, I will have this.

Sometimes I look at you

and I can't understand

how someone before me

didn't notice a whole

beautiful universe

hidden within you,

sometimes I look at you

and I can't understand

how someone before me

didn't see what I see

sometimes I look at you

and I can't understand

how someone before me

looked at you and didn't

find every single thing

they'd been searching for

in a single human being

and sometimes I look at you

feeling glad that they didn't,

because if they looked

deep enough to see all

of those things within you,

then I would've never

been able to.

-Ruby Dhal

Helicopters and rain tears.

I didn't know it was possible to feel that much pain, to cry as hard as the rain was pouring, to feel so completely alone, isolated, small, and utterly beaten down.  Driving with nothing but the sound of tires through puddles on the highway to break the silence of my sobs.  Searching for safety, with nothing but an oversized hoodie to sleep in that night, crawling into unfamiliarity while clutching my puppy and a warm tea.

It's exactly like what she said to me though. I'm waiting for my helicopter.   When you break your leg on the top of a mountain in the snow, it's not up to you to figure out a way to get off the mountain. How to get onto the snowmobile, get down the mountain, get medical care, and get your leg fixed.  It's not up to you to heal your leg in speedy time. That analogy somehow brought me peace, knowing that all I had to do was breathe, rest in this pain, and wait.  Wait for my helicopter ride, whatever that may be, and whenever that may be.

I know there are lessons to be had here.  And I know there are things I'm already learning, discovering, and embracing about myself.  I yearn for the day when this becomes a distant memory and I can have the healing that I know I deserve, because I never deserved the pain in the first place.

If I can come out stronger for it, better for it, and somehow find closure in it, I would be happy.  I know that day will come, and as hard as it is to acknowledge the fact that day is not today, I know it will. 

Transitive

The last few weeks to a month have been rich with a warmth not unlike the feeling of a familiar return to a comfortable home. It's brought a rush of memories through my heart of many beautiful things. Of comfy walks through parking lots, of good jokes and Iron Giant comments, of pool tables and movie theaters, arcade games and deep conversations, of swinging on the porch with fresh homemade lemonade, of a voice I hold dear and laughter ringing through the silence, and of warm embraces on chilly nights.

Where or how the gap in that familiarity occurred, I am unsure. I do remember snow, and standing in the kitchen of my Lakeway house, looking down when I realized there would have to be some time in between the moments. Moments I wished to continue, but respected a need to let go. 

At that same token, I also rest easy in the more recent memory of sitting on an uncomfortable chair as I began to bask in a moment I hoped but didn't think would ever come. Photographs and kind words and a truth that showed me I wasn't really that crazy after all. Or at least not alone in the crazy. 

Amidst the excitement and anticipation I still suffered with downfalls in the best intended plans. Moments I felt were stolen from us. Disappointment as most of the fruit of our efforts resulted in unwanted obstacles that prevented the very time I desired so much to share. I don't think there was anything that pained me more, at the time. 

And yet, I still received that warmth, even from far away. And despite the lack of personal interaction, I didn't feel the distance, I only felt love. In the form of understanding and empathy, a care that I find unusually rare in this world. To feel that familiarity as before, again now, only renewed, is something truly special to me. 

Through the pain of loss I received comfort. Through the fear of further loss I received reassurance, which has arrived ten fold beyond just words and now manifests as a hopeful new beginning of moments that feel simultaneously like a delighted return to familiar and something new all in the same. 

Looking back I see the magic that has always been there. And while these moments are more than just comfort through loss but also a pure joy unlike anything else, I still will never forget his words to me in response, and really feel I must record them here so I never forget. 

A person's life and being lives on through you and what you do to others. How you now shape the world is a part of what they've given to you. Transitive. Energy. What they are can never be destroyed. They never leave you. They were a part of you before who you are now. Their lives and their passing gives you perspective on the life you now live. They not only live on through you, but also through the people you affect. It's never ending. We are nothing except those who brought us here. Good and bad, we are the accumulation of human interaction. Love and friendship and pain and sorrow. 

To me, those words are beautiful, defining a side of the human condition we often fail to acknowledge. A presence, a life and love, an energy, a truth. That those who affect us never leave us, nor do we leave them. I'm less afraid of loss now and instead find myself feeling bright and joyful for what's to come. 

Steady me now.

I can't even cry this time.  No tears greet me, despite how desperately I would like to let them escape. They are buried with what I thought I had.  And perhaps even left in the moment that was the day I realized I didn't have it in me to say goodbye to your heart, the day I know my sobs could be timelessly heard.

To cry out and reach out, only to be welcomed by a silence that speaks louder than words, is more painful than I could have imagined. The fragments of what I believed I had are scattered everywhere and I can't put them back together no matter how authentic and innocent my efforts.

I'm in this desert without you. Crying out and waiting for your answer that never arrives. Sleep has abandoned me as you have, leaving me with empty promises on the doormat.

And how can you still be the only one I see?

Bend, but never break.

Lately it's taken all I've got to make it through my work day. That moment of the day when I can remove the physical therapist role when I unclip my badge and coil up my gait belt is a moment when I can finally drop the reigns and let my surrender take the wheel.

I think even that is warrior of me.

I'm not one to count the tick marks of loss in my life but sometimes even I have weak moments where I feel all the odds are stacked against me and all I have been doing is rallying and rallying. I've been rallying endlessly for so long.

I listened to a song today written by one of my favorite songwriters, and a few of the lyrics spoke so deeply to me. About weathering the storm and getting through difficult times in life.

Try to ease my troubled soul. 
Try to weather this storm.
Grab on tight and just hold on to me.

Failure has never been a choice
And now I'm singing out my voice.
I'm seeking shelter in the sounds, it's never let me down.
I'm seeking refuge in a friend who reminds me, once again, that I will bend but never break.

That is something that I have to remember.
I will bend but never break.

Grab on tight and just hold on to me.