A mutuality to long for

And this is when reality sets in.  That no life or love or situation can ever be as solid as you hope it to be.

I understood that to begin with, honestly. But when everything points that way for the good beginning portion of what's being built, just to have the solid faith be shaken so much so fast is crippling to that joy.

It changes my day-to-day peace.   My hope along the way is to not become resentful.

The main question that runs through my mind all too often now is, what did I ever do to be so unworthy of the truth, no matter how big or small?

I think I've done my part.  Communicated what's important to me and how I want to live, what my relationship and life policies are.  When it's honored by words and not action, I get so sad.  Because it's so unexpected and stings deep.

These values I hold dear to me are values I've always wanted to share mutually with someone.
Maybe someday..

For Drew

The world is a smaller, emptier, dimmer place without you Andrew Davis.

Not everybody who walks this earth makes such a significant and lasting mark on the souls they meet. But you surely and inescapably did.

Whether someone had briefly met you, had been friends with you like I had, or had been one of your closest friends or family members... we all know, you were something special, and unlike anyone.

These words are as much for me as they are for you and everyone else. You've affected all of us with the beauty of your life, and now with your passing there is a chasm in our hearts that will never again be filled. Because you filled that with your laughter, your good heart and solid ground of what it means to truly LIVE LIFE and be a great man.  

We miss you.

I'll never, ever forget the significant memories you've given me in our 10 years of friendship.

High school. You brought me out of my shell  freshman year when you made fun of how little I talk. Pointing at me with a skeptical look on your silly face.  "Hannah, you! You don't say much do you. " 

You shared your confidence and strong spirit with me. 

And then after high school, through the working years and many memories of summers filled with bonfires and guns and trucks and great music and beer. Memories of day drinking on Memorial Day. Lotsssss of chips and salsa at Chihuahua's. Endless roaring laughter on the couch, making fun of everything and nothing. Funny facebook chats that would make me roll over laughing. Late night pita pit after a night out at Bellingham bar and grill with a constant flow of sarcastic comments on how much you dislike downtown and love Ferndale. 

But, the best was when you finally gave in and told me I was one of the only girls to hang around you who could keep up with your witty sarcasm. We had a long line of sassy remarks and comebacks going back and forth and you never missed a beat. I remember one time I got the last word in. Believe it or not! "Hannah! Ouch! You're good!"

I think you're the reason my friends can't take me seriously sometimes.

I believe that's one of the greatest lessons you taught me. Don't take life too seriously. Especially don't take yourself too seriously. It's all about the love and the laughter. 

The last time I saw you, you nearly spilled your beer with your hands up high yelling my name and heading over for a big bear hug. You had a drink in each hand and gave me one of them so I wasn't empty handed. Only you could get me to drink that nasty Busch Light. ;)  

We all as a community and family feel like we are suffocating without your presence. Over time I know the pain will pass, but rest assured... the memories will never pass. Your profound meaning in our lives will last forever.  In the meantime heaven, you better know how truly blessed and lucky you are to have Drew. Because we all sure felt that way when he was here with us. And still now, with you being gone, I still feel blessed to have known you and called you a friend.

Say hello to Travis and Chelsea for us. 

We love you Andrew Davis. Your legacy of life is engrained in our hearts forever.  

To cry from happy.

There is this beauty that reveals itself when everything falls together how it always should have. When efforts are not given in vain. When desires line up with result and my world is perfectly aligned with the deepest desires of my heart.  It's a beauty I don't just see but also can feel.  And I feel it with such a strength, such a passion and a significance that I get tears. 

I guess this is what it feels like to cry from being so happy.

For so long I wandered and ran searching for what I have now. For the kind of peace, love, and joy that I experience on a daily basis. Almost feeling like I'm pushing against some invisible current or barrier that was stopping me. In fact I know what some of this barriers were and knowing I was able to crush them under my feet and become different and better is a feeling like no other. 

Now here I am. Amidst pain, struggle, and trials of life, I have this peace, love, and joy that surpasses all other difficulties. I'm writing, I'm learning, I'm loving, I'm playing music, I'm working, I'm growing, and I'm happy.

To me that is true happiness. What was missing is no longer missing. 

I could make a list of so many things that I have in this life that are no longer missing and that have been for so long. 

A home. A secure job. My joy of following dreams and goals I've always had in my heart. An inner peace and understanding and identity that is stronger than ever. A love that is going where it deserves to go, to someone who deserves every aspect of it because he is worthy of this love.

To say life is good wouldn't cut it, but... Life is so, so good. 

On relief and love.

I couldn't be more overwhelmed with amazement and awe right now.    

The worst part of this move is done. 

Christmas shopping and scrambling is done. 

The nightmare of the last few nights is done. 

The emotionally charged reaction to the craziness is done. 

And now, as I lay comfortably, eagerly, and excitedly on the bed of all beds..

This long wait is almost done, too. 

Hurry up, time!  

Best of all, I am completely astounded and amazed at the goodness of this heart I love. And the people in my life. And the ever growing admiration and love that I have in my own heart, evolving and growing even when I thought it couldn't anymore. My heart can't contain what I feel for this soul I love so much, it spills out over everything I do and touch and say and think!   

They say... A true person in your life is the one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Well, that's this. 

Ahhh. 

This serendipitous perfection is not mere coincidence, but completely preordained felicity. 

And I am thrilled. 

 

Everything is gold.

My life is gold. 

My joy. 

My loved ones. 

My career. 

My soldier. 

My friends.

My church.  

My goals. 

My life. 

My future. 

My music, art, books, ambition, dreams, my whole life. Love. 

I am swimming in pure gold and feel like the richest woman on earth. 

The uninhibited version of me.

Seeing as how this will be my very first piece of publishable (or gosh, maybe non-publishable?) writing as a 25 year old, I thought I would do it differently.  

Unplugged, unrestricted, unedited, uninhibited.  My life undone, unanalyzed, unjudged.  And now I'm making up words as I go.

To be 25 is like to be finally fitting comfortably into my own age. When I was 17, I felt like I was 20 with 12 year old restrictions.   When I was 21, I felt much older.   Now I'm 25 and while I've made jokes about being in a "quarter life crisis", I'm really not.  I'm more just, undoubtedly feeling the most comfortable, alive, and at home in myself than I ever have. It's like I've finally arrived where I've wanted to be for years and now I'm in the journey I've always wanted to be in.

I wouldn't say I had lost myself along the way. In fact, I was always soul-searching yet I always knew who I was at the same time.  The difference now is, I am unrestricted and uninhibited.  Within myself.  I'm not allowing circumstances, situational experiences, or events change me.  Everything in life shapes who we are and how we react to things, but I'm not letting any of these superficial outside influences change me.  That's the difference.  Instead I'm choosing to always be who I've always been, to always act, do, and say what I always know I want to act, do, and say. From the deepest parts of me, my soul and heart, I am letting it out without any fear of repercussion or consequences.  I'm not going crazy, but I'm not hiding behind myself anymore. 

To me (and this is what I've truly realized this last year), the consequence of not living, or living for what you don't believe in, or living for something else other than your own heart's desires, is so much scarier than choosing to live, breathe, and feel through all of it, even if that could be painful. 

I have always been looking for ways to not disappear, and this is it.

Of course I'm afraid of hurt and pain and loss and abandonment. What human being isn't? Of course I don't want those things. But I'm not letting the fear of them dictate my choice of feeling something. 

I've said goodbye to indifference and apathy, I've said goodbye to that inhibition. I couldn't describe that feeling adequately enough with what the English language offers for vocabulary if I tried. Instead, I show it in my actions. My freedom in living, my overflowing heart, my complex soul. My life. 

In everything I do, I do it for feeling, love, and meaning. Holding fast and staying true to that means I don't disappear. I never want to disappear again and me, unrestricted, unjudged, and uninhibited gets to give this to other souls who have felt disappeared. 

This is me. The uninhibited version of me. And world... I hope you're ready for me.  

The fear of all fears to face.

Face a fear is on my bucket list. In fact, it's been on that list since the beginning, years and years ago. From earlier conversations, I discovered I could use scuba diving as a double cross off and kick off face a fear all in one experience. 

But today it hit me clearer than it ever has. 

What if my fear is loss?

How do I face that?

I'm talking loss in multiple forms, not just death or abandonment. 

Loss of self. 

Loss of passion. 

Loss of love.

Loss of depth. 

Loss of meaning. 

 

Loss of something you've never even had before. 

What?

Yeah, how the hell do I face that fear?

Nah, I do want to face a tangible fear, like swim with sharks maybe, or jump off a cliff into a large body of water. Something like that would be a priceless fear to face and an amazing, exhilarating invincibility would surely come of it. 

But regardless. There are pieces of my soul that must try and face the fear of loss, and that is a terrifying thing. It's like an I-can't-take-in-enough-oxygen-to-sustain-my-life kind of thing. A panic. No, I can't lose this!

Well, deep breath. My answer to this is to love anyway. Breathe anyway. Take risks anyway. Be alive. That's how I will face this fear. Sit by the ocean, breathe deeply with my eyes closed, arms out, and live through the waves. 

Yeah, that's it.