My majestic destination for awhile

I didn't realize how much my soul needed this until I got here. Right now I am sitting in a reclining lawn chair, in the sun, with a view of a flowing river and tall mountain peaks right in front of me, with nothing but three amazing girlfriends, a sweetheart toddler, and the peaceful sound of the river water to keep me company. Heaven.

Ever since this big change in my life, I have been grabbing life by the reigns and jumping right in it to just live. I have been having such a blast rediscovering myself and traveling and rekindling old friendships and making new ones. I made it through my last clinical rotation, to Kentucky and back with the team, through the last two weeks of school to tie up loose ends, and through my graduation ceremony and many celebrations. The beauty of this getaway is that now I have a moment to sit here and reflect more on my life and my heart and everything in it. For the first time in a long time, I truly am at home with what I see inside myself. And that is a beautiful thing.

As I sit here I am finding an enormous amount of peace and serenity in my own heart. It is a very magical location as well as a very magical state of mind to be in. I am truly inspired.

The sound of this water and the image of its passion and personality as it continues along the banks of rocks and brush is truly humbling my mind to quiet itself. I can literally hear the beauty. This river with the gentle occasional whisper of a cool breeze makes me close my eyes to everything around me so I can savor every fiber of what it means to me. So I can hold on to its wonder for just a few moments longer.

The river is only the beginning of this paradise I'm in right now. I look straight up and there are mountains above the river with three individual peaks powdered with white snow. It is so immovable next to this ever flowing river, it brings me such a comfort as if I am protected by some imaginary stronghold. So steady, so unmoving, so bold. It is even bringing out the strength I hold in myself.

This whole weekend is pure bliss. I haven't written poetry in over 3 years either, just as I hadn't blogged. And today I wrote my first bit of poetry I've written in a long, long time. This turn of events in my life is breathing new air into my lungs and this graduate weekend getaway is the perfect place to start writing about it.

Cheers to this freeing and peaceful slice of perfection.

With serenity,
HGM

A long time coming doesn't even come close.

I realize as I sit here at the Jewel Box cafe, 7 days away from graduation, on this sunny day drinking a strawberry smoothie... that I am finally alive for the first time in 3 years.

Do I need to repeat that to myself until it sinks in?  I am finally alive for the first time in 3 years.

How do I even begin to comprehend that? Can it really be that the last time I've truly written was in August of 2010? Can it really be that my heart was missing from my body for 3 years? Can it really be that I was going through the motions of pretending to be happy, of letting go of the things I care about, and of potentially losing who I was? I am a writer. It's what I do, and yet somehow I let certain circumstances get the best of me and completely deprive me of my passion, my writing, my inspiration, my soul. Where have I been?  Even a few friends along the way asked me, Hannah, why haven't you written more fingerprints journeys?

The primary thing that drove me to write today was Arianne.  Carpooling to Seattle today, talking about life and who I used to be and who I am and who I want to be, she told me to do what I need to do and try to write something today. She knows I'm a writer. She knows I need this more than anything right now. She told me... Hannah, you are inspired right now.  Because the real you is back, and you need to write something.  I love her.

Once I realized that I was changing who I was to fit somebody else's ideals.. my whole life changed.  I realized who I was at the time, and that it was not somebody I liked.  These past two months of me setting things straight makes me feel like I'm breathing in a breath of fresh, beautiful air and that my lungs are finally expanding and my heart is finally feeling.

I am singing again.
I am loving again.
I am laughing again.
And as of today, I am writing again.

Feels great to be back.

What moves me to tears is that all of the people I lost in this experience, or thought I lost, came back to me and loved me more for it.  How can this be?  What did I ever do to deserve such amazing people in my life who welcome me with warm smiles and big arms after 3 years of absence? I have incredible people in my life.  It's like I never left.

No, I take that back... it's better than like I never left. Because I feel more loved than I ever have before and I feel closer to these people than I ever have before and I feel I have so much more love to give than I ever had to give before.

My heart is literally exploding.

To say that it has been a long time coming is quite the understatement. But the most important thing is that I am here. Dreaming. Living. Believing. Loving. And writing.

Bring it on, life.  I am ready for you!

on passion and silence.

I have been running circles in my mind, over and over. No, not circles. More like spirals. Feeling so many things, wondering so many things, loving so many things, but at the same time anxious.. how can you miss something you never even had?

I don't have a lot to say this time.. and I think its best that I let the silence speak for itself.

But what I can say.. is that something in my soul has caught fire. My life is in dissonance right now. In that beautiful part of a piece of music that I love so much - my favorite part. Different, beautiful, not quite harmonic, and waiting for the resolve at the end so your soul can rest.

That is where I am.

So joyful.. passionate.. wild and free..

And also moved. So moved, at the soul level, deep, in ways I have never been moved before. It leaves me yearning and wondering what could come of this meaning I have found.

I'm stuck in the in between. Between the life I have come to love and the life I may come to fall in love with.

I have been moved so much, my soul doesn't know what to do with it.


This dissonance and tension I feel, no matter how beautiful, is also agonizing in a way. I don't understand how my heart can feel two entirely different feelings at the same time about the same thing and still beat, wildly even and with a ferocious fire that seems to set everything in my life ablaze with things I love. I am one crazy, crazy soul. Confused yet clear-minded, hopeful yet unsure, so close yet miles away from eye contact, living with a joyful and aching heart, making me smile so big I can't contain it.

What in the world is going on with me? My breath escapes me and my words abandon me, as there is no way to explain this or touch the one thing causing it.

All I can do now is smile, sing, hold out my arms to the world.

So in my silence, I will do just that.

i saw the world spin beneath you and wanted to make it right.

I don't think I have been crushed like this in a while.

and whats weird is... nothing bad really happened. its that feeling like you want what you can't have. and the only reason I can't have it is because of what other people have done to us.

I wish I could just pour out my whole heart to him. but I can't. I have way more respect for his feelings than that. and I don't want to impose any obligations on him or make him feel that he has to fix me. cause he doesn't. honeslty, just a two second conversation with him makes me happy. if that doesnt say something than what does?

I can't stand sitting here remembering how easy it is to talk to him. how easy it is to just let my heart go. how easy it is to see myself with him. I can't stand sitting here remembering that, knowing that its something I can't have right now.

I don't expect for it to happen right now. in fact, its best that it doesn't. for both of us. neither one of us wants to get hurt. both of us have had our hearts ripped out. not pursuing anything is the right choice.

but what hurts me the most about this is that I feel like we can't talk, hang out, or anything else without a fear of commitment and so we end up pushing each other away. I feel that it brings us down. when we could be having the time of our lives. enjoying life. living it how we love it.

I can't shake how I feel when I'm with him.

I sound like a fool. and if he were to read this right now.. I honestly don't know what he would think.

what I want more than anything right now is to just be happy with him. romantic or not, friends or not, I just want to be able to have a night like that night and just forget about the world. smiling, laughing, and talking.

he's genuine. that doesn't come around every day. I want to be the one who can make him believe again.

I don't want this wall anymore. its blocking even our friendship.

I just want everything to be okay.

just like it was written for me.

they painted up your secrets
with the lies they told to you
and the least they ever gave you
was the most you ever knew


and i wonder where these dreams go
when the world gets in your way
what's the point in all this screaming
no one's listening anyway


your voice is small and fading
and you hide in here unknown
and your mother loves your father
'cause she's got nowhere to go.


and she wonders where these dreams go
'cause the world got in her way
what's the point in ever trying
nothing's changing anyway.


they press their lips against you
and you love the lies they say
and i tried so hard to reach you
but you're falling anyway


and you know i see right through you
'cause the world gets in your way
what's the point in all this screamin'
you're not listening anyway.


-goo goo dolls.

The rescue.

Seeing as how I haven't written since July.. I obviously have some serious catching up to do.

Although, what all is there to say really, about this summer? Other than I have been completely happy, despite the apparent struggles.

I have been through a whirlwind. A literal whirlwind. I began living in a world where leaving my job was my only choice. Where water became my gateway to life itself and where even hugs hurt. Where hospital and doctor visits became routine. Where needles and blood were two things I saw a lot. Where sleeping was my only relief. Where I couldn't make it through the day without someone there with me. My heroes.

Basically my days consisted of resting, abdominal pain, and doctor visits. Trying to find something to eat without causing more pain and drinking water bottle after water bottle to stay hydrated. Sadly, I lost friends along the way, having almost nothing to do with what I was going through. If it wasn't for God and my family, I would've been utterly alone. But I can honestly say now that I am happier. Happier than I was with the people who told me they were my friends. I'll admit that it's sad to lose friends, but they weren't my friends in the first place. They may have tried. But if thats how they're going to let it end, then I have really no loss.

I have learned through all of this that the people who stick it out with you through the thick and thin, even when you're in a bad mood, are the only people in this world worth having in your life. If somebody wants to ruin a friendship over nothing, that is their choice, and seeing how I'm happier.. it only makes me even more sure that I'm making the right decision not to fight for them. I pray alot about it. God wants you to fight for things, but He also wants you to surround yourself with people who can lift you up, not bring you down, and even if it may be a small select few.. its worth it. And so far it has been.

Now, I'm stable.
I'm breathing with no pain, I'm eating with no pain, and I'm slowly getting my energy levels back. No more pain meds, thankfully. And now on my way to the next few steps in my life.

College, finally, thank God.
and knee rehabilitation.
Which will hopefully, as of tomorrow, bring answers to the years of questions.

It has been so tough being so sick. Sucked leaving my job. Sucked never being able to work out. Sucked fighting with friends when I barely had enough energy to get up out of bed to use the bathroom. Sucked being tired and hungry and worried. Sucked having so much on my mind, so many demons to work out.

Some I have worked out already. Some I haven't. Its hard, memories. Living in the past is something I have never subjected to doing. And I don't believe it is what I'm doing now. What's happening now is that some of the pain that was caused in high school hasn't left my heart. And maybe it never will. And that's okay. What's not okay is to let it get in the way of some of the daily, happy things, merely because something that is associated with that pain is brought to the surface. I can't completely erase it. No one can. But what I can do is distance myself from unneeded associations, and cut them from my life. Not only that, but rise above it. Which is what I am praying God will help me do, and help me to let him help me.

I have to know this. I am done with high school. And high school is freaking done with me. I am at a new stage in my life and no one can touch it. Its mine. And everyone else trying to pull me down can just kiss my butt and walk on. Cause I am walking on.

I have awakened with new opportunities and realizations. I am stronger than ever in my faith. Stronger than ever in the relationships that truly matter in my life. Stronger than ever IN MYSELF.

If there is one thing you can learn in life, learn this.

God will be the only one to truly rescue you from life.

God is the only one who has ever been so truly faithful to me. He is really the one to trust.

Its hard for me to see certain people in my life struggling with that. Making the wrong decisions for their life and letting it hurt the people in it.

All I can do is pray for them, and be thankful for what God has given me. That is all I can do. I'm thankful for my parents who have taught me right from wrong. Thankful for my siblings, and for my opportunity to teach them the same. I just don't know what I'd do without them.

Needless to say..
I've been rescued.

Sunshine pondering and chicken soup for the soul.

For the first time in a long time, last week I was able to drive, in my car, by myself, with the windows rolled down and the warm wind and sunshine in my hair, sunglasses on, calming music up, and a smile on my face. I talk about the snow a lot, and about how it makes me happy. But I must say... nothing, is like the warm day where the smallest things can make me feel free. It was very relaxing. Not to mention, that day was probably the most stressful day of my long and painful week. But it was the most relaxing once it all boiled down to it.

I love my music. I love my car. I love my sunglasses. I love the sun. and I love that on my way home, I had that calming feeling of knowing that when I got home, no stress would be waiting for me. It was nice. To just sit there in my car as I slowly, patiently, and peacefully made my way through town, embracing the warmth coming into my car not from the vents but from the windows, and truly accepting and loving myself and my life for what they really are.

I am so content. So stressed and anxious and wound up and busy, but content. I can honestly say right now that I am satisfied with who I am. I know its subject to change, in fact I want it to, I never want to stay the same person. I'm eighteen. Of course I'm going to change.

But who I am, what I'm about, what I stand for, I could never be more satisfied or more sure of it. I have my love, my morals, my dreams, my opinions. All of them matter to me more than I could possibly explain. Not only that, but I've got a grip on them. No more riding the fence. No more worrying or wondering what other people are going to think, or if they're going to agree or disagree or judge. There is always going to be somebody. So right now I believe what I believe, I hold what I hold, and I am what I am. I love it. And I feel so incapable of explaining just how much.

I'm sick, this nasty cough of mine is making me so tired. I should be sleeping, but weekends are when my blogs prosper the most. When I'm on top of things.

But honestly. I have been very on top of things lately. That accomplishment I had after that busy week at the end of January was such a big relief and a big joy that I know I can tackle anything. Everything I prepared for during the past few months all boiled down to the end of that semester. Grades, finals, senior project, solo/ensemble, piano recital, choir concert, poetry out loud, everything. All my preparation was going to be presented or performed or demonstrated in some way in the course of two weeks. How crazy. My planner got so full that I had to steal a few patches of computer paper from my printer and fill that up with my almost-dry pen as well. The ink I used, the thoughts I purged, the goals I made. It was enough to fill the plate of a dozen people.

The night of the 31st was a night I will never, ever forget. Messing up at my recital was so insignificant. Because if only you could've looked around me at my life like I did that day. All of my hard work had paid off. Not only that, but look at who was there with me. My supportive dad. My loving grandparents. All there for me. I was not alone. Not abandoned. All of us eating at Jimmy Mac's, having cross conversations at the table, back and forth about anything and everything. Comparing food and stories. My flowers in the back of the car waiting to be put into a vase when I got home. The laughter that just filled the whole atmosphere with a comfort I had almost forgotten. My colorful certificates after my performances. The support I had warmed my stomach. The flowers brightened my spirit. My very own accomplishments made me feel like I was on top of the world. And the people I love with all my heart were sharing all of it with me. My heart was not alone in a sea of people. My heart was full. So full I cried on the way home.

Then there was the superbowl, which to me was fun not just because it was the superbowl, but because my dad and I went shopping for the yummiest foods and we made lunch and had hella good hamburgers. All just hanging out. I can't stress enough the fact that when I'm with these people, I am whole. When I share a part of my heart with them, it heals, it breathes, it grows.

That following monday, February 2nd, was a fresh start with school. I went out first semester with a bang, especially with extra curricular activities, and starting new with a brand new notebook was so exciting to me. However, along with the change came a lot of negative feelings toward high school and the people in it. I love my school, and the education I'm getting, and how I feel like all my hard work is really paying off. I'm doing it. But I don't belong in a high school. I believe this even more now than I did before I ever talked to Askew about it. When she agreed with me I realized that it all just wasn't in my head. This isn't just me feeling abnormal because I'm something different, something more, something deeper. This isn't just me imagining things. This isn't just me hating the gossip, the drama, and just being fed up. This is ME. Being me. Being more than me. Being more than stupid high school drama and expectations that aren't going to mean shit in the real world. This is me knowing, seeing, realizing, and understanding that high school is a world that I don't want to be in, a fake world, a worthless world, unless you make something of it, and get through it to better things. I hate the fakeness. I hate the groups, the gossip, the stupid drama. I hate the petty things that people make big deals over. I hate popularity contests and have's and have not's and I wish I was this, or I wish I was that, or I'm better than her, or the judging and the back stabbing and the maturity levels that seem to not only be too low for my brain to handle, but just.... non-existant. I love high school. I love my friends. But I think I'm getting just a little bit worn out.

I am becoming selfish. But Mary and says thats okay. I am doing this for me. I am graduating and getting my diploma for me. I am learning for me. I am standing up for myself for me. I am working hard even if I get called an over achiever, FOR ME. I am being nice to teachers and showing my appreciation not to be a teacher's pet or a suck up but FOR ME, because I want to, and because they deserve my gratitude. I live. For me. I'm there to learn, I'm there to walk across that stage, thank Mr. Smith and all my teachers for caring, and get my diploma. I'm there to eventually leave. I'm there for college. I am not there for you, your words, your false accusations or harsh judgments. I'm not there for you to trample on me just because I succeed. I am there not to try, but to DO.

For me.

I'm not even there for friends anymore, as sad as that may sound. I see them, great, they make me smile and I love being near them, great. But unlike alot of people, I don't go to school for them. If none of them showed up, I wouldn't change.

Everything I do, I do for me, my future, my family and those I care about. Not for you. And since I have not only realized that but lived it, I have never felt more free or more alive. I am growing more and more each day. My love and passions and relationships are blooming. Everything is just so.

Ahh.
These are the kinds of things I think about when I drive my car around.
Wanna take a road trip?