on passion and silence.

I have been running circles in my mind, over and over. No, not circles. More like spirals. Feeling so many things, wondering so many things, loving so many things, but at the same time anxious.. how can you miss something you never even had?

I don't have a lot to say this time.. and I think its best that I let the silence speak for itself.

But what I can say.. is that something in my soul has caught fire. My life is in dissonance right now. In that beautiful part of a piece of music that I love so much - my favorite part. Different, beautiful, not quite harmonic, and waiting for the resolve at the end so your soul can rest.

That is where I am.

So joyful.. passionate.. wild and free..

And also moved. So moved, at the soul level, deep, in ways I have never been moved before. It leaves me yearning and wondering what could come of this meaning I have found.

I'm stuck in the in between. Between the life I have come to love and the life I may come to fall in love with.

I have been moved so much, my soul doesn't know what to do with it.


This dissonance and tension I feel, no matter how beautiful, is also agonizing in a way. I don't understand how my heart can feel two entirely different feelings at the same time about the same thing and still beat, wildly even and with a ferocious fire that seems to set everything in my life ablaze with things I love. I am one crazy, crazy soul. Confused yet clear-minded, hopeful yet unsure, so close yet miles away from eye contact, living with a joyful and aching heart, making me smile so big I can't contain it.

What in the world is going on with me? My breath escapes me and my words abandon me, as there is no way to explain this or touch the one thing causing it.

All I can do now is smile, sing, hold out my arms to the world.

So in my silence, I will do just that.

i saw the world spin beneath you and wanted to make it right.

I don't think I have been crushed like this in a while.

and whats weird is... nothing bad really happened. its that feeling like you want what you can't have. and the only reason I can't have it is because of what other people have done to us.

I wish I could just pour out my whole heart to him. but I can't. I have way more respect for his feelings than that. and I don't want to impose any obligations on him or make him feel that he has to fix me. cause he doesn't. honeslty, just a two second conversation with him makes me happy. if that doesnt say something than what does?

I can't stand sitting here remembering how easy it is to talk to him. how easy it is to just let my heart go. how easy it is to see myself with him. I can't stand sitting here remembering that, knowing that its something I can't have right now.

I don't expect for it to happen right now. in fact, its best that it doesn't. for both of us. neither one of us wants to get hurt. both of us have had our hearts ripped out. not pursuing anything is the right choice.

but what hurts me the most about this is that I feel like we can't talk, hang out, or anything else without a fear of commitment and so we end up pushing each other away. I feel that it brings us down. when we could be having the time of our lives. enjoying life. living it how we love it.

I can't shake how I feel when I'm with him.

I sound like a fool. and if he were to read this right now.. I honestly don't know what he would think.

what I want more than anything right now is to just be happy with him. romantic or not, friends or not, I just want to be able to have a night like that night and just forget about the world. smiling, laughing, and talking.

he's genuine. that doesn't come around every day. I want to be the one who can make him believe again.

I don't want this wall anymore. its blocking even our friendship.

I just want everything to be okay.

just like it was written for me.

they painted up your secrets
with the lies they told to you
and the least they ever gave you
was the most you ever knew


and i wonder where these dreams go
when the world gets in your way
what's the point in all this screaming
no one's listening anyway


your voice is small and fading
and you hide in here unknown
and your mother loves your father
'cause she's got nowhere to go.


and she wonders where these dreams go
'cause the world got in her way
what's the point in ever trying
nothing's changing anyway.


they press their lips against you
and you love the lies they say
and i tried so hard to reach you
but you're falling anyway


and you know i see right through you
'cause the world gets in your way
what's the point in all this screamin'
you're not listening anyway.


-goo goo dolls.

The rescue.

Seeing as how I haven't written since July.. I obviously have some serious catching up to do.

Although, what all is there to say really, about this summer? Other than I have been completely happy, despite the apparent struggles.

I have been through a whirlwind. A literal whirlwind. I began living in a world where leaving my job was my only choice. Where water became my gateway to life itself and where even hugs hurt. Where hospital and doctor visits became routine. Where needles and blood were two things I saw a lot. Where sleeping was my only relief. Where I couldn't make it through the day without someone there with me. My heroes.

Basically my days consisted of resting, abdominal pain, and doctor visits. Trying to find something to eat without causing more pain and drinking water bottle after water bottle to stay hydrated. Sadly, I lost friends along the way, having almost nothing to do with what I was going through. If it wasn't for God and my family, I would've been utterly alone. But I can honestly say now that I am happier. Happier than I was with the people who told me they were my friends. I'll admit that it's sad to lose friends, but they weren't my friends in the first place. They may have tried. But if thats how they're going to let it end, then I have really no loss.

I have learned through all of this that the people who stick it out with you through the thick and thin, even when you're in a bad mood, are the only people in this world worth having in your life. If somebody wants to ruin a friendship over nothing, that is their choice, and seeing how I'm happier.. it only makes me even more sure that I'm making the right decision not to fight for them. I pray alot about it. God wants you to fight for things, but He also wants you to surround yourself with people who can lift you up, not bring you down, and even if it may be a small select few.. its worth it. And so far it has been.

Now, I'm stable.
I'm breathing with no pain, I'm eating with no pain, and I'm slowly getting my energy levels back. No more pain meds, thankfully. And now on my way to the next few steps in my life.

College, finally, thank God.
and knee rehabilitation.
Which will hopefully, as of tomorrow, bring answers to the years of questions.

It has been so tough being so sick. Sucked leaving my job. Sucked never being able to work out. Sucked fighting with friends when I barely had enough energy to get up out of bed to use the bathroom. Sucked being tired and hungry and worried. Sucked having so much on my mind, so many demons to work out.

Some I have worked out already. Some I haven't. Its hard, memories. Living in the past is something I have never subjected to doing. And I don't believe it is what I'm doing now. What's happening now is that some of the pain that was caused in high school hasn't left my heart. And maybe it never will. And that's okay. What's not okay is to let it get in the way of some of the daily, happy things, merely because something that is associated with that pain is brought to the surface. I can't completely erase it. No one can. But what I can do is distance myself from unneeded associations, and cut them from my life. Not only that, but rise above it. Which is what I am praying God will help me do, and help me to let him help me.

I have to know this. I am done with high school. And high school is freaking done with me. I am at a new stage in my life and no one can touch it. Its mine. And everyone else trying to pull me down can just kiss my butt and walk on. Cause I am walking on.

I have awakened with new opportunities and realizations. I am stronger than ever in my faith. Stronger than ever in the relationships that truly matter in my life. Stronger than ever IN MYSELF.

If there is one thing you can learn in life, learn this.

God will be the only one to truly rescue you from life.

God is the only one who has ever been so truly faithful to me. He is really the one to trust.

Its hard for me to see certain people in my life struggling with that. Making the wrong decisions for their life and letting it hurt the people in it.

All I can do is pray for them, and be thankful for what God has given me. That is all I can do. I'm thankful for my parents who have taught me right from wrong. Thankful for my siblings, and for my opportunity to teach them the same. I just don't know what I'd do without them.

Needless to say..
I've been rescued.

Sunshine pondering and chicken soup for the soul.

For the first time in a long time, last week I was able to drive, in my car, by myself, with the windows rolled down and the warm wind and sunshine in my hair, sunglasses on, calming music up, and a smile on my face. I talk about the snow a lot, and about how it makes me happy. But I must say... nothing, is like the warm day where the smallest things can make me feel free. It was very relaxing. Not to mention, that day was probably the most stressful day of my long and painful week. But it was the most relaxing once it all boiled down to it.

I love my music. I love my car. I love my sunglasses. I love the sun. and I love that on my way home, I had that calming feeling of knowing that when I got home, no stress would be waiting for me. It was nice. To just sit there in my car as I slowly, patiently, and peacefully made my way through town, embracing the warmth coming into my car not from the vents but from the windows, and truly accepting and loving myself and my life for what they really are.

I am so content. So stressed and anxious and wound up and busy, but content. I can honestly say right now that I am satisfied with who I am. I know its subject to change, in fact I want it to, I never want to stay the same person. I'm eighteen. Of course I'm going to change.

But who I am, what I'm about, what I stand for, I could never be more satisfied or more sure of it. I have my love, my morals, my dreams, my opinions. All of them matter to me more than I could possibly explain. Not only that, but I've got a grip on them. No more riding the fence. No more worrying or wondering what other people are going to think, or if they're going to agree or disagree or judge. There is always going to be somebody. So right now I believe what I believe, I hold what I hold, and I am what I am. I love it. And I feel so incapable of explaining just how much.

I'm sick, this nasty cough of mine is making me so tired. I should be sleeping, but weekends are when my blogs prosper the most. When I'm on top of things.

But honestly. I have been very on top of things lately. That accomplishment I had after that busy week at the end of January was such a big relief and a big joy that I know I can tackle anything. Everything I prepared for during the past few months all boiled down to the end of that semester. Grades, finals, senior project, solo/ensemble, piano recital, choir concert, poetry out loud, everything. All my preparation was going to be presented or performed or demonstrated in some way in the course of two weeks. How crazy. My planner got so full that I had to steal a few patches of computer paper from my printer and fill that up with my almost-dry pen as well. The ink I used, the thoughts I purged, the goals I made. It was enough to fill the plate of a dozen people.

The night of the 31st was a night I will never, ever forget. Messing up at my recital was so insignificant. Because if only you could've looked around me at my life like I did that day. All of my hard work had paid off. Not only that, but look at who was there with me. My supportive dad. My loving grandparents. All there for me. I was not alone. Not abandoned. All of us eating at Jimmy Mac's, having cross conversations at the table, back and forth about anything and everything. Comparing food and stories. My flowers in the back of the car waiting to be put into a vase when I got home. The laughter that just filled the whole atmosphere with a comfort I had almost forgotten. My colorful certificates after my performances. The support I had warmed my stomach. The flowers brightened my spirit. My very own accomplishments made me feel like I was on top of the world. And the people I love with all my heart were sharing all of it with me. My heart was not alone in a sea of people. My heart was full. So full I cried on the way home.

Then there was the superbowl, which to me was fun not just because it was the superbowl, but because my dad and I went shopping for the yummiest foods and we made lunch and had hella good hamburgers. All just hanging out. I can't stress enough the fact that when I'm with these people, I am whole. When I share a part of my heart with them, it heals, it breathes, it grows.

That following monday, February 2nd, was a fresh start with school. I went out first semester with a bang, especially with extra curricular activities, and starting new with a brand new notebook was so exciting to me. However, along with the change came a lot of negative feelings toward high school and the people in it. I love my school, and the education I'm getting, and how I feel like all my hard work is really paying off. I'm doing it. But I don't belong in a high school. I believe this even more now than I did before I ever talked to Askew about it. When she agreed with me I realized that it all just wasn't in my head. This isn't just me feeling abnormal because I'm something different, something more, something deeper. This isn't just me imagining things. This isn't just me hating the gossip, the drama, and just being fed up. This is ME. Being me. Being more than me. Being more than stupid high school drama and expectations that aren't going to mean shit in the real world. This is me knowing, seeing, realizing, and understanding that high school is a world that I don't want to be in, a fake world, a worthless world, unless you make something of it, and get through it to better things. I hate the fakeness. I hate the groups, the gossip, the stupid drama. I hate the petty things that people make big deals over. I hate popularity contests and have's and have not's and I wish I was this, or I wish I was that, or I'm better than her, or the judging and the back stabbing and the maturity levels that seem to not only be too low for my brain to handle, but just.... non-existant. I love high school. I love my friends. But I think I'm getting just a little bit worn out.

I am becoming selfish. But Mary and says thats okay. I am doing this for me. I am graduating and getting my diploma for me. I am learning for me. I am standing up for myself for me. I am working hard even if I get called an over achiever, FOR ME. I am being nice to teachers and showing my appreciation not to be a teacher's pet or a suck up but FOR ME, because I want to, and because they deserve my gratitude. I live. For me. I'm there to learn, I'm there to walk across that stage, thank Mr. Smith and all my teachers for caring, and get my diploma. I'm there to eventually leave. I'm there for college. I am not there for you, your words, your false accusations or harsh judgments. I'm not there for you to trample on me just because I succeed. I am there not to try, but to DO.

For me.

I'm not even there for friends anymore, as sad as that may sound. I see them, great, they make me smile and I love being near them, great. But unlike alot of people, I don't go to school for them. If none of them showed up, I wouldn't change.

Everything I do, I do for me, my future, my family and those I care about. Not for you. And since I have not only realized that but lived it, I have never felt more free or more alive. I am growing more and more each day. My love and passions and relationships are blooming. Everything is just so.

Ahh.
These are the kinds of things I think about when I drive my car around.
Wanna take a road trip?

I refuse to walk away and do nothing.

I have sat here, and sat here, and sat here. I have had plenty of conversations with friends, people I look up to, people I don't like much. I have cried plenty of tears and slammed plenty of doors. I have closed and locked my heart but I have opened it back up again. Plenty of times.

I have driven a whole car ride without uttering a single word. Yet I have not been able to go a single day without speaking. I have woken up during sleepless nights and slept during peaceful afternoons. I have let go and held on. I have wondered and thought, and I have screamed and I have ran. I have trusted with my heart. I have distrusted with my heart. I have done anything and everything.

and yet somehow I have still not found peace of mind. Fylicia tells me that when you don't know what to do, you should nothing. and I agree to a certain point.

but who am I to do nothing with something that is enveloping all of me?

I can't, and won't, just sit here and do nothing. One thing you can learn from knowing me, if you learn anything at all, is that I am not one to sit back and watch things happen. Whether they are good things, bad things, whatever. I take action. You could say that is a fault of mine, but it has done me well when I know what I want, when I know I know what to do to get it, and when I go get it. I not only follow my heart but I lead my heart. I am the first one at your door step if seeing you is all I can think about.

but why is it, that sometimes the moment I get my momentum, I trip? why is that no matter how hard I try, there is always something there to disappoint me?

I have never cared what other people think. I have never cared if someone looks at me, and judges me. I have never cared if someone talks with me and just doesn't GET me. sometimes I don't even get me. but does that matter?

I used to say no, it doesn't.

but when something in my life means this much to me;
when all I can do is stress, and worry, and cry, and HOPE that my heart isn't wrong for the first time;
when I hold, love, desire, and care for something this strongly;
there is no way it couldn't matter.
Of course, with all this at stake, I'm going to care if I'm judged, if I'm understood or misunderstood. I'm going to care if someone else cares less than me. I'm going to naturally, inevitably, and strongly care whether or not I am loved just as I love. It won't change my viewpoint, my motivation, my reach. But I will care. That much is very clear.

But either way.. I know more than I ever have that there is no way I could ever let it go. What I care about. It means more to me than I can even fathom. More to me than the art of language could even begin to describe. More to me than my own happiness, evidently. Caring about what I care about is my happiness. Its my oxygen. My air. My breath. My reason. If I didn't care, there would be no point. Thats just my opinion, and I know not everyone is like that. But thats me. The most important thing about me. I care, and therefore, I'm whole. It makes me strong, makes me weak, makes me feel like I can climb buildings and fly from towers. It makes me who I am, makes my grasp hold tight and my heart love deep.

but right now. I feel like I'm walking through the mud. I'm attempting to kick away the vines that try to strangle my feet and the stones that try to break them. I'm disregarding the harsh, hurtful memories and I'm yearning and reaching for the things in my life that bring me comfort. But my legs are getting tired. My feet are getting bruised. My memories are overpowering my happiness and as much as I'd like to kick them to the streets, I'm stuck and I'm engulfing myself in them despite my lame attempts at forgetting them. Worst of all, my arms are battered and weak and hurt from being slapped away so many times.

By no means am I giving up. That is something I never do. but I am pleading for help, I will say that much. I'm searching for strength within myself I never thought I had. and while I know I will find it, while I know I AM finding it, it could never come quicker and for the first time I am admitting that I need it. I need to borrow someone else's legs for a day. I need someone else's arms to hold mine up when they're too tired to hold anymore.

There are things in my life that I can run to. To escape this. Poetry. Music. Stage. A good read. but escaping isn't an option when my life is in dire need of a pickup. A shake off. A charge. A renewal and a trust boost. I have to pick up my momentum again and keep running. I can't pretend that everything is alright. I can't dribble along in the life I thought I knew when so many things are changing before my very eyes. No time to even blink, or think, and my whole entire mind set; my thoughts, my motives.. they change. And change. Again and again. Plenty of times.

I am so extremely weary. So.. not lost, just.. stray. I'm not lost. I know my heart. I know my desires. I know my life. I'm certainly not lost. I'm just straying off the path I thought I knew so well. And either I have to do something about it, or embrace the change that just may be inevitable. As much as I hate goodbyes, I do embrace change well. In fact, I often thrive from it, grow with it, cherish it. I learn and I love it.

But there is one change in my life that I would never embrace if it came to it. I am doing my part, I am trying so damn hard that I'm exploding. With love, pain, laughter, tears. I won't say I have done all I can do, because my continuation of this desire for victory and this push of strength are the only reasons its still alive, and still moving, and still not on the verge of ending. My perseverance through trial and error is the only reason my heart is still beating. Aside from that, all I can do is hope and pray that whats on the other end of the struggle is fighting just as hard as I am. All I can do is hope that my energy and my love will be held just as tightly as I am holding, and that my hard work will prevail because I have given another life a nudge out of the door, strength to do better, courage to live up to full potential, and a shoulder to lean on in the meantime.

With all my strength and words left to muster. With all the courage I have left.

All I can do is hope.

I have to find just where you are

today I took a look back at myself from last summer. went through old emails. revisited old memories. probably not a good idea, but if you know me, then you know by now that I will always reminisce, even when its bad for me.

I wish I had that fiery passion that I did then. I wish it never would've been taken from me. its still there in the areas of life where I'm safest... music, stage, paper. but its not there for someone else like it used to be. I know where it went. I can't get it back. time will tell, but gosh.. I'm impatient. don't think I have ever been this impatient before.

I don't miss the fighting. I don't miss the embarrassment, humiliation, and shame. I don't miss the judgment days and discrimination testimonies. I don't miss the lies and deceit. and I certainly don't miss being the one that was always looked at as the screw up.

but I do miss the stars. I miss the fields and the belief and the safety of a church and a relationship that always lifted me up. I miss papa murphy's, movie nights, my dog waking me up in the middle of the night, my siblings waking me up early in the morning, sleepovers at paije's.

I never would have guessed that I would be where I am at right now. still fighting for something that I thought I had let go long ago. still standing strong despite the humiliation I endured before I moved. still living and breathing for what I believe in.
standing, yet broken, is what I am. but a broken heart still beats. constricted lungs still inhale. bruised eyes still see. crushed hands still hold. a torn spirit still flies. and I know that somehow, someway, it will all be ok.

the air is so chilled here and I love it. I love finding my own sun when there's clouds. I love singing to anybody who will listen, loving anybody who will let me love, knowing anybody who crosses my path. Ah.. the guitar music rings through my ears and the stage calls my name. these things keep me alive, which I am eternally grateful for, especially when I take journeys back to the past. its like a guilty pleasure. I want so bad to look, and then I do and wish I hadn't. sometimes.

you know, I'm no genius. I'm no masterpiece of perfection. I just have a heart. and while its easier to just let things go or pretend I don't care, I know that no matter how hard I try, that will never happen. besides where's the adventure in that, really?

but I've got it all, I've got everything I could possibly ask for now. except the family I lost. except my cousin's laughter to cheer me up when I'm down. except the super glue I need to sew my heart back together. except the trust to that needs to be returned. but other than that, I got it all.

that last part will be my adventure. I hope I don't trip.

man, now that I think about it. sometimes I wish I never dreamt at night. often times it throws off my whole day. my dream last night was terrible. I woke up wishing there was another chance for me grab what I don't have anymore. its truly amazing how dreams sometimes can be so real. it wasn't bad enough for me to wake up in tears but it was definitely getting there.

it was real for me because I'm still going through it. no matter how good of a weekend I had, and good of a Sunday evening I had, I still came home thinking they were going to be here. thinking I could run into my brothers arms and tackle him to the ground and tell him I hate him just so he'll punch me in the arm over and over. thinking I could crawl into bed with my sister and read together. it was a big let down coming home to realize they weren't going to be there, even when I knew all along they were back home in ferndale already.

but you know... when things like this happen, just gotta live life. and people always say that everything works out, and even though thats hard to believe, it does. I know from experience. things work out and new problems come but in the end, everything's alright.


I'm not apologizing for my writing this time. Colby told me that my writing is for me. if someone else doesn't understand it... at least I do.