There's no real best way to start this but to start it. I'm here to tell you everything you deserved to hear. Every truth and every piece of love that you fucking needed. Just like Grandpa said.... You're okay honey. You will be okay, and you're not wrong. He was right. And I'm here to tell you, so are you. And I'm so sorry that it took 17 years for you to hear these words from me.
I guess I'll start with Grandpa, because he was the first who met you where you were at and made you feel like you weren't as isolated as you felt. I will never forget what he said that day at the house on Vista in the driveway. I will never forget his eyes full of love and understanding, and the heartfelt sadness he had for you when he put his hand on your cheek as he looked at you and tried to reach you in your pain. You will never forget that. He may not have known all that was going on at the time, but he could see. And he took your hand and told you that you were okay. That you were not crazy, not wrong, not bad. He saw it all. 12 years later when you were 27 years old, he pulled you from that darkness yet again, when you saw a darkness that so many see. A darkness where so many people have nobody to visit there. He met you there, and sat with you. With his warm Carhartt hoodie and sweet loving hands. And he made you feel normal, yet again. This is why he still means so much to you to this very day. You are 32 years old now, and still see him every day even though he's not here. You will value his words, his love, his gifts, and his presence in your life forever.
I didn't mean for this to be about Grandpa first off, but in the end we both know he was the only one at the time who truly saw what you were going through. Except for Dad, he saw it too, just in a different way. And in a way that you won't truly understand until later.
What if I told you that all the pain you're going through right now is something you will someday look back on and feel was worth it? Will that make it easier for you? It certainly won't make it okay, because you should've never had to feel this in the first place. But, here I am now to say... even though there's nothing that can make you feel that this would be worth it, it's worth it knowing the relationships that come out of it. With your grandfather. With your father. I don't doubt we would've been this close to them even without this pain, but somehow it made it more real, you know? It's made me see exactly how beautiful, how valuable, and how priceless it is to feel this love between Dad and you. Someday, you will be able to give him and show him the love and support he's shown you. It all fucking sucks, but it all is worth it once you see and understand the father you have and the daughter that you are to him. It's priceless and nothing can compare to how special and meaningful it is.
You're amazing, and beautiful, and strong, and everything I could ever hope to be. 17 years later, and I'm still learning things from you. Please never stop teaching me, changing me, and shaping me. Always, always be you. You were never wrong. You were never bad. You were always so fucking beautiful and so fucking amazing. I'm so sorry nobody told you that. I'm so sorry you were searching and yearning for that validation and acceptance and love from your peers and never received it. I'm so sorry they made you feel like less than you truly were. I'm so sorry that your light was slowly dimmed by people who were too blind to see how absolutely stunning you were, and still are. Thank you for teaching me that I'm still that person. And for never letting that light go out.
"No one else can steal your light, 'cause it's yours. Just yours."
Now the kicker is... What if I told you that someday you'd be sitting at your desk as an adult, listening to cathartic music, looking at your things around you that make you feel whole. Photos of Grandpa, a candle that smells of wood and pine, a plant with heart-shaped leaves, and a figurine that gives you all the confidence you need to make it through your day. A dog snoring in the background and a glass of wine next to your keyboard. Good music playing from your computer speakers. "Dust" by Oh Wonder, and "Do It All Again" by WILD, those are the ones to remember. Play them while you read this. They're my love songs to you.
What if I told you that you'd have so many more painful moments in life, but that someday you'd be supported through them. By loved ones, of course. But by most of all, yourself. You always had it right. You had your own back, and in the end that's what matters most. Yes, it hurts when those in your life who are supposed to be there for you just aren't. But in the end, it doesn't matter when you know that you are your own best friend, your own best advocate, your own superhero. You have always known this, but someday you'll truly see that you were right. That it really IS all that matters.
What if I told you, 17 years later you'd cry tears for yourself?
Not because you're broken. No, you never were. But because I have such a deep love for you that words cannot begin to describe.
You always knew then that you hurt in ways others didn't understand. That you felt emotions and pain and joy in ways nobody else understood. You weren't wrong. It's true, many people don't understand these things, or they just choose to not feel them because being vulnerable is hard and it hurts. You were stronger than those people because you always chose to feel deeply rather than ignore blindly. But this is what people do unfortunately. This doesn't change as life goes on, but you will find people who will reach you in this place of vulnerability. You'll know them from various places of life, people you will never forget, people who you will have to say goodbye to far too early, and people who will remain by your side til the very end.
I'm grateful to say that you never lost that ability to hurt deeply and love strongly. You still feel, you still love, you still have joy, and you still cry and laugh and feel all the things that you did then. This time though, you feel it fully with yourself, and it doesn't hurt more just because someone else doesn't join in with you. But guess what, 17 years later, people do actually feel it with you. And those are the keepers.
About Dad? All of this was worth it. Just know, 17 years later I would never take back all the pain you went through if it meant giving up the relationship we have with Dad now. If that's the one thing we gained from our pain, it's worth it. It doesn't make it okay, but it's worth it.
In the end though, what matters most is the relationship we have with ourself. Be mad, darling. Be angry, be joyful, be emotional, be strong, be passionate, be all the things that you are. Nobody can or will ever change that. I'm here to be all these things with you as we continue to be who we are, year by year, day by day. Feeling, smiling, crying, and being fucking beautiful through all of the ugliness in the world.
I love you and will always love you. Now wear that crown of yours with your head held high and never forget that you are strong, beautiful, and never, ever alone.
