I realize as I sit here at the Jewel Box cafe, 7 days away from graduation, on this sunny day drinking a strawberry smoothie... that I am finally alive for the first time in 3 years.
Do I need to repeat that to myself until it sinks in? I am finally alive for the first time in 3 years.
How do I even begin to comprehend that? Can it really be that the last time I've truly written was in August of 2010? Can it really be that my heart was missing from my body for 3 years? Can it really be that I was going through the motions of pretending to be happy, of letting go of the things I care about, and of potentially losing who I was? I am a writer. It's what I do, and yet somehow I let certain circumstances get the best of me and completely deprive me of my passion, my writing, my inspiration, my soul. Where have I been? Even a few friends along the way asked me, Hannah, why haven't you written more fingerprints journeys?
The primary thing that drove me to write today was Arianne. Carpooling to Seattle today, talking about life and who I used to be and who I am and who I want to be, she told me to do what I need to do and try to write something today. She knows I'm a writer. She knows I need this more than anything right now. She told me... Hannah, you are inspired right now. Because the real you is back, and you need to write something. I love her.
Once I realized that I was changing who I was to fit somebody else's ideals.. my whole life changed. I realized who I was at the time, and that it was not somebody I liked. These past two months of me setting things straight makes me feel like I'm breathing in a breath of fresh, beautiful air and that my lungs are finally expanding and my heart is finally feeling.
I am singing again.
I am loving again.
I am laughing again.
And as of today, I am writing again.
Feels great to be back.
What moves me to tears is that all of the people I lost in this experience, or thought I lost, came back to me and loved me more for it. How can this be? What did I ever do to deserve such amazing people in my life who welcome me with warm smiles and big arms after 3 years of absence? I have incredible people in my life. It's like I never left.
No, I take that back... it's better than like I never left. Because I feel more loved than I ever have before and I feel closer to these people than I ever have before and I feel I have so much more love to give than I ever had to give before.
My heart is literally exploding.
To say that it has been a long time coming is quite the understatement. But the most important thing is that I am here. Dreaming. Living. Believing. Loving. And writing.
Bring it on, life. I am ready for you!
