I have been running circles in my mind, over and over. No, not circles. More like spirals. Feeling so many things, wondering so many things, loving so many things, but at the same time anxious.. how can you miss something you never even had?
I don't have a lot to say this time.. and I think its best that I let the silence speak for itself.
But what I can say.. is that something in my soul has caught fire. My life is in dissonance right now. In that beautiful part of a piece of music that I love so much - my favorite part. Different, beautiful, not quite harmonic, and waiting for the resolve at the end so your soul can rest.
That is where I am.
So joyful.. passionate.. wild and free..
And also moved. So moved, at the soul level, deep, in ways I have never been moved before. It leaves me yearning and wondering what could come of this meaning I have found.
I'm stuck in the in between. Between the life I have come to love and the life I may come to fall in love with.
I have been moved so much, my soul doesn't know what to do with it.
This dissonance and tension I feel, no matter how beautiful, is also agonizing in a way. I don't understand how my heart can feel two entirely different feelings at the same time about the same thing and still beat, wildly even and with a ferocious fire that seems to set everything in my life ablaze with things I love. I am one crazy, crazy soul. Confused yet clear-minded, hopeful yet unsure, so close yet miles away from eye contact, living with a joyful and aching heart, making me smile so big I can't contain it.
What in the world is going on with me? My breath escapes me and my words abandon me, as there is no way to explain this or touch the one thing causing it.
All I can do now is smile, sing, hold out my arms to the world.
So in my silence, I will do just that.
