For the first time in a long time, last week I was able to drive, in my car, by myself, with the windows rolled down and the warm wind and sunshine in my hair, sunglasses on, calming music up, and a smile on my face. I talk about the snow a lot, and about how it makes me happy. But I must say... nothing, is like the warm day where the smallest things can make me feel free. It was very relaxing. Not to mention, that day was probably the most stressful day of my long and painful week. But it was the most relaxing once it all boiled down to it.
I love my music. I love my car. I love my sunglasses. I love the sun. and I love that on my way home, I had that calming feeling of knowing that when I got home, no stress would be waiting for me. It was nice. To just sit there in my car as I slowly, patiently, and peacefully made my way through town, embracing the warmth coming into my car not from the vents but from the windows, and truly accepting and loving myself and my life for what they really are.
I am so content. So stressed and anxious and wound up and busy, but content. I can honestly say right now that I am satisfied with who I am. I know its subject to change, in fact I want it to, I never want to stay the same person. I'm eighteen. Of course I'm going to change.
But who I am, what I'm about, what I stand for, I could never be more satisfied or more sure of it. I have my love, my morals, my dreams, my opinions. All of them matter to me more than I could possibly explain. Not only that, but I've got a grip on them. No more riding the fence. No more worrying or wondering what other people are going to think, or if they're going to agree or disagree or judge. There is always going to be somebody. So right now I believe what I believe, I hold what I hold, and I am what I am. I love it. And I feel so incapable of explaining just how much.
I'm sick, this nasty cough of mine is making me so tired. I should be sleeping, but weekends are when my blogs prosper the most. When I'm on top of things.
But honestly. I have been very on top of things lately. That accomplishment I had after that busy week at the end of January was such a big relief and a big joy that I know I can tackle anything. Everything I prepared for during the past few months all boiled down to the end of that semester. Grades, finals, senior project, solo/ensemble, piano recital, choir concert, poetry out loud, everything. All my preparation was going to be presented or performed or demonstrated in some way in the course of two weeks. How crazy. My planner got so full that I had to steal a few patches of computer paper from my printer and fill that up with my almost-dry pen as well. The ink I used, the thoughts I purged, the goals I made. It was enough to fill the plate of a dozen people.
The night of the 31st was a night I will never, ever forget. Messing up at my recital was so insignificant. Because if only you could've looked around me at my life like I did that day. All of my hard work had paid off. Not only that, but look at who was there with me. My supportive dad. My loving grandparents. All there for me. I was not alone. Not abandoned. All of us eating at Jimmy Mac's, having cross conversations at the table, back and forth about anything and everything. Comparing food and stories. My flowers in the back of the car waiting to be put into a vase when I got home. The laughter that just filled the whole atmosphere with a comfort I had almost forgotten. My colorful certificates after my performances. The support I had warmed my stomach. The flowers brightened my spirit. My very own accomplishments made me feel like I was on top of the world. And the people I love with all my heart were sharing all of it with me. My heart was not alone in a sea of people. My heart was full. So full I cried on the way home.
Then there was the superbowl, which to me was fun not just because it was the superbowl, but because my dad and I went shopping for the yummiest foods and we made lunch and had hella good hamburgers. All just hanging out. I can't stress enough the fact that when I'm with these people, I am whole. When I share a part of my heart with them, it heals, it breathes, it grows.
That following monday, February 2nd, was a fresh start with school. I went out first semester with a bang, especially with extra curricular activities, and starting new with a brand new notebook was so exciting to me. However, along with the change came a lot of negative feelings toward high school and the people in it. I love my school, and the education I'm getting, and how I feel like all my hard work is really paying off. I'm doing it. But I don't belong in a high school. I believe this even more now than I did before I ever talked to Askew about it. When she agreed with me I realized that it all just wasn't in my head. This isn't just me feeling abnormal because I'm something different, something more, something deeper. This isn't just me imagining things. This isn't just me hating the gossip, the drama, and just being fed up. This is ME. Being me. Being more than me. Being more than stupid high school drama and expectations that aren't going to mean shit in the real world. This is me knowing, seeing, realizing, and understanding that high school is a world that I don't want to be in, a fake world, a worthless world, unless you make something of it, and get through it to better things. I hate the fakeness. I hate the groups, the gossip, the stupid drama. I hate the petty things that people make big deals over. I hate popularity contests and have's and have not's and I wish I was this, or I wish I was that, or I'm better than her, or the judging and the back stabbing and the maturity levels that seem to not only be too low for my brain to handle, but just.... non-existant. I love high school. I love my friends. But I think I'm getting just a little bit worn out.
I am becoming selfish. But Mary and says thats okay. I am doing this for me. I am graduating and getting my diploma for me. I am learning for me. I am standing up for myself for me. I am working hard even if I get called an over achiever, FOR ME. I am being nice to teachers and showing my appreciation not to be a teacher's pet or a suck up but FOR ME, because I want to, and because they deserve my gratitude. I live. For me. I'm there to learn, I'm there to walk across that stage, thank Mr. Smith and all my teachers for caring, and get my diploma. I'm there to eventually leave. I'm there for college. I am not there for you, your words, your false accusations or harsh judgments. I'm not there for you to trample on me just because I succeed. I am there not to try, but to DO.
For me.
I'm not even there for friends anymore, as sad as that may sound. I see them, great, they make me smile and I love being near them, great. But unlike alot of people, I don't go to school for them. If none of them showed up, I wouldn't change.
Everything I do, I do for me, my future, my family and those I care about. Not for you. And since I have not only realized that but lived it, I have never felt more free or more alive. I am growing more and more each day. My love and passions and relationships are blooming. Everything is just so.
Ahh.
These are the kinds of things I think about when I drive my car around.
Wanna take a road trip?
