my whirlwind weekend. what a ride. ever wish you could just filter through your memories and choose which ones are more prominent to your emotions and which ones you could just... erase?
i definitely had one of those weekends.
it was the hardest thing in the world [and i am not exaggerating] to walk into that house and be there when my cousin wasn't.
no beeping and bleeping of ninentedo games or computers.
no loud and roaring yells of welcome and happiness.
and worst of all.
no buzzing or dripping of the oxygen machines.
i used to find comfort in falling asleep listening to those. and this weekend without them was literally a nightmare. because not only did it show that it wasn't needed anymore. but it showed that my cousin was gone. and it just hit me. all this time i've thought he was just somewhere else, driving his scooter around messing with people. but he was not home.
and the worst part of it all was walking into the church, almost by myself, standing in the isle. straight ahead of me down the isle was his motorized wheelchair. with an oxygen tank in the back. and his hat, which gave him the oxygen, resting on the top. it was empty. and i couldn't stop the tears.
halfway through my blog and i'm already crying.
the nice part about this weekend was that i was finally able to say goodbye to him. i played angel eyes for him near the end of the service, and i cried more tears than i have in the past 2 weeks, which is really saying alot considering i've cried more tears in the last 2 weeks than i have in my whole life. i was definitely emotionally drained saturday night.
its like a whole part of me has gone missing and i'm never going to get it back. at this point i just have to learn to live and function with a hole in my heart. i'm a total stranger to myself, because this boy brought more love and joy to my life than anyone or anything. being around him just... it would penetrate you. he would be looking right through you. it was like a reality check. he'd look at me and smile and ask me to play and suddenly everything bad i've done in my life was brought to the surface. i couldn't hide it from him. he changed me and made me want to do better. be a better person. he did make me a better person.
it was hard being in that house, where he once walked and danced and sang and lived. where he died. i never sat at the table, because that was the last place he was. it was where he was sitting and eating when he died. i couldn't even look at it. just like i couldn't go in his room.
i deal with my pain certain ways. and not getting too close to a memory so vivid is my way of dealing with it. once i'm there, i can't get out, and i'll cry myself to sleep no matter what time of the day it is. i had to be strong that weekend for my other family. so i never got too close.
weird things would happen to me. i'd expect his chair to click and to start walking towards us. i expected him to start boxing with me like we always did. i'd expect him to ask me to start making letters out of pretzels, which was always our thing. i'd expect him to play mario kart with me. i'd expect to hear his voice, feel his laugh, and taste his happiness. but whenever i didn't, i would literally break into a million pieces. i would remember the hole in my heart and clutch my chest not knowing what to do to ease the pain. sometimes i couldn't even cry because the pain was so excruciating.
other things happened that day of the service but i can't explain them, because alot of them are personal to the people it happened to, and i'm sure they wouldn't want it all over some girl's blog on blogspot. but lets just say i was up until 2 am that day stressing and being angry over big things that should never have happened on the day we bury the person in the family who had it all together.
it's almost symbolic.
the day we say goodbye to my cousin, the family falls apart. he really was the unifier of the family. but it worked out eventually. all of it just still makes me so furious.
i never knew i could get that angry. but then i thought to myself... i would do anything for my family. especially the ones who are suffering. and when something happens to them or when they're put at risk, i will stop at no means to protect them. i cried i was so angry. i couldn't believe that someone could be so heartless. it hurt me to see it. but what also made me upset was the fact that there was nothing i could do to change what happened or to make it better. luckily my aunt took actions. i totally admire her for always doing what's right and taking action and not just sitting around talking about it.
that's how i'd like to be looked at someday. i will never settle for less or just let things fly. i'll always stand up and fight.
no question about it.
overall. there are things i'd like to forget about the weekend. but i will always remember my cousin, and what it meant to me to play for him that day. he was with me. and it was the first piano performance i've ever had without making a single mistake or wishing i could go back and make it a little more powerful, or a little louder or slower or quieter. it was perfect. and i know it was because it was for him.
i didn't care about myself.
i didn't care about messing up.
i didn't care about the crowd of tear-streaked faces that were all watching me, expecting me to bring emotion to the room through seb and through music.
i didn't care about any of it.
i cared about my cousin.
sebastian c.e. ward.
and it was perfect for him.
i, for once, was able to be perfect for him.
i love you.
